Ok, so I'm just gonna jump right in and start on this rant. No pretty little blurb referring to my hypothetical soapbox.
My mother is finally able to start planning her wedding to a man she has known since grade school and has been dating since 2005. She's been engaged to him since 2007 and they have (after 2 years of waiting) been able to set the official wedding date. It's set for July 17, 2010. My issue is not the actual wedding or the date but how she's handling everything. Grrrr!!! She makes me so fricken mad sometimes.
My mother is doing everything for him. He's Catholic and refused to budge on how they were married. So, despite my mother not being Catholic and standing strong on her unwillingness to changer her religion for him (which I was actually proud of her for doing) she still went along with what HE wanted and went through the Catholic church to have her marriage/divorce from my dad (back in 1990) annulled. Because HE wanted it done she went along and did it. Then they never discussed the ceremony because HE wanted to wait and see what happened with the annulment through the church, She even admitted to me that he was adamant about not getting married any other way and that HE didn't want to discuss it until they heard from the church. So, are we seeing a pattern here?? It's all about him so far. My mother lives in a world of delusion that she can have a beautiful, fancy, classy wedding better than her first. Tonight I'm even more concerned because of something that she said when I confronted her on the phone about this whole thing. She said (and I quote) "I don't even know what I want cuz I haven't had any time to think about the wedding and I won't until I go down to NH this week and discuss details with HIM." Umm hello??? Anyone else seeing major issues with this statement?? I want to be happy for my mom fully. I want her to be happy because I know she deserves it, but I am worried about her. She's giving up everything and moving down to his home. She's giving up her furniture cuz he wants to use his own. She's giving up her job and living in a lovely little fantasy that she will be able to get a job in NH w/out problems. She's giving up her life to live his and this worries me.
But that's the number two frustration. She says that I have no reason to worry about her and that she doesn't understand why I'm so worried. That she's able to handle her own and she knows what she's doing. HE loves and will take care of her. Um?? Ok?? I realize that I'm the daughter and she's my mother but I do worry about her because she is my mother and I do love her and care for her. She keeps telling me that she isn't even sure that this wedding will work out and thats why shes taking her time planning it. She says that I stress her out. she says that she gets headaches when WE discuss this. She seems to think that my way of thinking is because I'm part of this "modern generation" and we as a generation think differently than her generation. Grrrr!!!! Seriously?? She wants to go there?? Ok, lets go there. It will be like bashing my head into a brick wall but let's go there. I don't buy into this Bullshit excuse for a lack of the ability to think for oneself but lets go there. After all my mother and I have NEVER seen eye to eye on anything why break tradition now?? Right?
The "I'm from a different generation" excuse doesn't fly with me. I don't care what generation a person is a part of to me that is strictly an excuse for the inability to think for yourself. Complete and total bullshit!!!! Yes, I'll acknowledge that there are cliche resemblances and similarities that statistics have shown are unique to each generation and that there are similarities that we all seem to share in one way or another than vary from generation to generation but no one should be allowed to use this as an excuse for the lack of responsibility we should place upon ourselves. Don't go telling me that the reason that we are so different is because we come from different ways of thinking caused by being from "different generations" Forgive me if I find this a complete and total bullshit excuse!! I do love my mom but I'm most certainly not going to allow "my generation" and there ways of thinking control how I as a person think and make decisions. I'm my own person with a brain that functions in my own head and perfectly capable of making decision that go against my generations ways of thinking!!
My mother believes that her generation always made sure that the man had equal say and that HE was always involved in wedding planning. Funny but I thought that women had fought to get way from that and now I have a mother than wants to bring that all back. Yes, women now-a-days have a more independent and self-sufficient way of taking charge, planning and owning our own rights to make decisions without a lot of help from man. Jesus Christ!! Pick up a God Damn history book and take a look at who and what generation fought to give us these rights. Last time I checked it was my grandmothers generation who started fighting and my mother's generation who resumed it and essentially helped win us these rights. I keep wondering what my grandmother would say if she were still alive and heard what my mom was saying about how HE wants it this way and He wants her to do this and how she needs to be this and give up that because He says its so. But then again I think back to the fact that my mom and grandmother were total opposites too. I've been told by numerous people who knew my grandmother than I've got her spirit and her spunk and her fiesty fighting attitude. My grandmother never, ever allowed my grandfather to control her and boy did he try. She was this amazing and beautiful free spirit who left England in 1946 as a war bride and came to an unknown country fleeing her family. I guess I have more respect for her because she always maintained her own ideals and control even when married to that SOB of a grandfather of mine. My mother is more like my grandfather in some respects. She is set in her ways and absolutely refuses to budge. She claimed that she is too old to change and she sees no reason to.
The last thing that bugs me about this whole situation is that she seems so ashamed of her background and her family. My brother and I included. She never comes right out and says it but she absolutely refuses to acknowledge her upbringing claiming that it embarrasses her. She hates it when I tell people the truth. She hates it when I bring up her childhood and my own at times. To me I see things differently. (something she attributes to her good old stand by that my generation is different than hers) I see my upbringing in a single parent household in a trailer park born to a janitor/veteran father and factory working mother as something to be proud of. I know that my parents did the best that they could and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I had food to eat, clothes to wear and keep me warm, and we had a roof over our heads. My past is a part of why I am who I am today and there is no shame in it. My mother doesn't see it that way. She can only see the material parts of. The outhouse in the woods. The lack of heat and rickety old steps. My mother can't see past the things that you could see and look past this to see the things that were important. Like 2 parents that tried there hardest to make sure their 3 daughters had the same things that she and daddy tried to give me and my brother. It was just a different format. She refuses to see anything but what it is. I never understood any of this and therefore to this day we fight the same battle every few months. I can see my mother's happiness and that HE has made her smile and for that I am grateful cuz she was miserable and sad and lonely for most of my childhood. But I can also hear the things she says and how she phrases them and this is what concerns me. She is relinquishing all her own control and her own ways of thinking because she wants to be loves so badly and he gives her gifts that she has always wanted. See, I grew up knowing that I wasn't the daughter my mom wanted. I was outspoken, independent, and broke free of the apron strings very young and this always bothered her. I started developing my own ways of thinking instead of simply believing what I was told. I didn't have the manners she wanted me to have and I never truly needed her for much. Now I'm very aware of how different we are and it seems to be showing more and more as this wedding approaches. I'm not new to this whole second marriage and step parent thing. I have a great step mom and step siblings already. For the past 18 years my dad has been married. He just did things differently. He brought my brother and I and my step-siblings into it early. He wanted all of us to get acclimated before the big day because he knew it was a big step for all of us. He has never ever separated the two families. Every year he and my step moms family celebrated holidays as one not two divided. This is something that I respect about my dad. I love him more for this.
But...
My mom has never introduced my brother and I to HIS family. We know nothing about them. We're being tossed into this blindfolded on the day of her wedding. She knows that HE isn't a big fan of kids and doesn't really want to be a grandfather and yet he kind of will be. I have a beautiful little boy and we're a packaged deal. My son comes alone with me. My mother has never even told HIM that HIS future stepson is gay. Yes, my baby brother is gay and to me this is a really cool thing. I'm proud of my baby brother but to my mom it's an off limits topic that she has time and time again said has nothing to do with HIM. She keeps telling me that it doesn't matter. Well, I hate to say this but it does. Yes, my brother and I are adults now but we're still HER kids and her family. What does she expect us to do say "ok mom you're married now have a nice life, see ya on the other side when we get there."??? I mean to me yeah!! this does involve HIM and it does concern HIM and THEM. We (her kids) are not going to drop out of her life just because she's married to a homophobic Catholic!! We're her kids for goodness sakes!! She and she alone technically made the choice to bring us into this world and her life and whether she likes it or not she's stuck with us for life. I personally have no intention of dropping out of her life just because she's marrying HIM. I'm her daughter and I have her only grandson and I do plan on seeing her even after she's married to HIM. Just because we fight and don't agree on practically anhything doesn't mean I don't love her. I DO love her a lot!!! For God's sake she's my mother!! Jeez!! But I also don't think it's fair to my baby brother that he be asked to hide who he is! That's just not cool!! He is who he is and if HE can't accept that then he can go to Hell!! I want to like him and I want my mom to be happy but she's driving my nutty with her bullshit excuses and her casual attitude toward all this...especially when it comes to her family.
This family may drive each other nuts and be a bit maddening at times but show me one family in this world that isn't like that in some way, shape or form. To my knowledge there is really no perfect family in this world!! That's just how it is!! I love my family regardless of how they and that includes myself act. I've decided that things might never change and she and I will always be battling over something that we can't see eye to eye on but that's what mothers and daughters do.
So, I really hope that in the end my mother will just accept who she is and see that all is right with the world for us. I hope that this wedding/marriage will work out and over the next few months things get better because I do love my mom and want her to be happy. I hope that this guy can make ger happy and that I'm wrong about him because my mom does deserve to be happy and loved. Everyone does.
Thank you for allowing me to ramble and vent once again. Till next time and thanks again for reading this **hugs** to all of you!! :-)
MLW
I do love my mom
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