So, another topic dealing with dating and the way people perceive me...here goes...
I was told today that one of the biggest reasons I can't find anyone to date me is not because I'm not pretty or smart but because I'm intimidating. Intimidating??? Wow!!! When I asked him to elaborate he said that it's because I come across as independent, sociable, intelligent, confident and in control of my life. He told me that I'm intimidating and can make men feel insecure because I'm always open and honest and able to make decisions on my own. How are any of these things bad??? I'm confused. I used to be the total opposite. I was sad, depressed, lonely, an outcast, geeky, had bad low self-esteem and no confidence what-so-ever. I could tell you what people were wearing for shoes but eye color?? Not so much. It took me years to become who I am today and actually like who I am. I do have a tendency to take control and lead if necessary. I do have a tendency to set goals and plans and 99% of the time I follow through with them. I know how to make decisions and tough choices and I do have some pretty strong opinions of my own and I do have a voice that works. I worked hard for a good 10 years to find that voice and become the woman I am today. Now, I'm being told that I'm intimidating to men. I'm aware of all of the above. I never saw these parts of my personality as flaws. I know the appropriate places and people to show each quality with. I do know when to restrain myself. I know who, when and where I can show more of my confidence and be the most out there with my opinions. I do know when to show respect for other people. I also try very hard to be respectable and classy in certain public settings. But according to quite a few of the people I spoke to...I'm still intimidating. These people (all of whom I trust with my life and to be honest with me) keep telling me it's not a bad thing but most men can't handle a strong woman. I even went so far as to ask what I should do. Should I change parts of my personality? Should I tweak some things? Should I play that God Damn damsel in distress part?? Should I dumb myself down? Should I attempt to let the guy lead a little more (not that I've had a lot of luck with that in the past) Tried that before. For example...all I wanted him to do was take the lead a few times and he couldn't even choose a GD juice. We stood there for a good 15 minutes in Hannaford while he said "I don't know hun...you decide." and when I made the choice it wasn't what he wanted and then we repeated the damn process until I finally got mad and walked away leaving him to choose the damn juice he wanted and I bought my own. I don't always want to take the damn lead and have all the control in a relationship but when all I date is men who are so damn laid back that they leave everything up to me in the end someone has to make the decisions. Now I find out that it's because I'm able to make choices and use my brain that it's also the reason I can't get a date. What the hell am I supposed to do?? There really is no winning here as far as I can see. Men want to be in charge and take control once in a while and I want to relinquish control once in a while but every time I date a guy and give up the control for a while he can't make a simple decision as to what juice we buy or what movie we rent on a Saturday night. I give him the freedom to make the decision on his own, no help from me, and in the end it winds up being me to make the final choice or storm out in frustration because he turns to me for help and I won't give it because he wanted the choice that night. (breathe) Where does the insanity stop?? I can't win!!
The truth is...I would love to fall in love with a man who can take the lead at least 45% of the time. I would love to give my brain a break and let him make the choices for a while. But sadly, I've yet to find THAT man. Now, I'm being told that my intelligence, looks, the way I compose myself, my confidence and social skills are intimidating!! I just want to scream!!!!! What do I do?? I do have flaws too. I'm most certainly not perfect. Far from it actually. I have a short temper at times. I have little to no patience at times. I get frustrated! This is what makes me human. Sometimes I even suffer from low self-esteem and have to build myself back up. But I rely heavily on myself to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I won't allow myself to stay sad for long cuz I feel that this doesn't help anything. It would be so easy some days to just stay in bed and say "Oh whoa is me...I'm gonna feel sorry for myself today." But this is not an option and it doesn't get me anywhere. It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself cuz I'm a single mom, unemployed (again), no help from anyone, no social life. Boo hoo for me!! But this doesn't get me anywhere. I push forward no matter what. I'm in control of my own life. I have to be! I have no other options. I have to be there for Cameron. I'm all he has. I don't have the option to fall apart and crumble under the pressures of every day life. Now, I'm finding out that this is another reason men are intimidated. Well, Boo Hoo for them!!
My brother was the reason all this started. He's the one who told me that the reason men might not be interested is that I'm strong and able to take care of myself and Cammie with little to no help. He also told me not to change even though as a sister I intimidate him too. I don't intentionally make men feel intimidated. I just don't see a problem with being strong. My brother said that men are weak whether they want to admit it or not and a strong woman scares them. The only guys who go for strong women are the ones looking for a mom not a g/f, momma's boys, players and addicts. These types need someone controlling so that they aren't required to think for themselves. Yup, sounds about right I've dated all of the above. My baby brother is smart too and tells it like it is. One of the grown up qualities we've developed as brother and sister is this ability to be brutally honest with one another. It works for us. So, he told me the truth. I'm intimidating. I'm too confident for most men and while I want/need someone to match me he told me that it's never going to happen. Eventually I'm gonna have to settle. So, settle I must do. (I already knew that though) (Side note...as you can see my brother and I are getting along again and Cammie is back to feeling comfy enough to go to Brian again...and he is very happy, healthy and doing well in his life...he also told me not to give up...he feels that I will eventually find someone) :)
He also told me about that guy I like...
My baby brother knows the guy I like. He says that while he would approve of us dating if it happened (he's a friend of his) he also told me to be wary of him. While he takes his job seriously and can be mature at work he is also still very much a child. Apparently this guy is addicted to video games to a very high extreme. He also enjoys alcohol quite a bit and has never really had a real relationship that he is aware of. He's an over all good guy but is a psychological experiment all his own. Maybe this is why despite my gut feeling telling me correctly that he is flirting with me my gut is also telling me to proceed with caution. I kind of figured everything out on my own. He is someone that I would need to be cautious of. While he is a very good guy and very good at his job (a job that requires tons of patience and can be, I'm sure, exhausting due to what he does for a living...this is a job that I absolutely 100% do not want nor could I do due to lack of patience on my part) he also gives off a few vibes that I've ignored before when entering into a new relationship. Not this time. This time I'm going to listen to all of my instincts and feelings and proceed carefully. He is almost 29 years old and lives in a house the equivalent of a college frat house with roommates that refuse to grow up. That alone is a huge red flag. I'm so far past the one night stand, stay up all night partying (not that I ever did that anyway, but ya know what I mean), and drink til I'm blue in the face part of my life (not that I ever did that either, but again, ya know what I mean).
At this point in my life while I know that I am fully ready to be in a relationship again at some point, but I'm also not willing to compromise on some things like I have in the past with men. I made mistakes not listening to my guts before and now that I'm a few years old I won't repeat those same mistakes. Not to mention I have my son to think about and Cameron will always, ALWAYS come first no matter what.
So, once again there is an update on this over-analyzed part of my life. I just know that no matter what happens 2010 is gonna be awesome and amazing!!!
Til next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment