Well, tonight is the first official night that I have felt this lonely. Funny cuz I'm still feeling that really good feeling deep in the pit of my tummy that says "just keep waiting...something good is right around the corner."
Today, was an interesting day. It's been an interesting year so far actually. Nothing bad, but interesting and I can feel a very large change billowing in the air. A lot of things are going to happen this year for everyone in my family not just me. I'm not sure of all of the details but I can feel it. The last time I felt this way was in 2005-2006. A lot of good and not so good things happened but some were forever life-altering. Not always bad by any means though.
Here's what happened today and to follow directly after what's happening to make me believe and feel that there's a massive change looming over my family. Today, I went dress shopping in Newport with my mom and Cammie. She was trying on wedding dresses for her official wedding day in July. And I got to try on maid of honor dresses. It was actually a lot of fun being there with my mom. We've both grown so much over the last couple of years. Our bond as mother and daughter is the strongest it has ever been and probably ever will be. We're mother and daughter, friends and mothers all at the same time. She's the happiest and most open I've ever seen her and in turn that makes me happy. She and I had the most fun picking out my dress. It's beautiful and makes me feel so sexy. This amazingly exquisite dress in this brilliant, vibrant cherry red color, spaghetti straps, and floor length. My mom approved these amazingly sexy (Frederick's of Hollywood) heels. 4 inch heels that'll bring me up to 6 feet even. Strapped, metallic silver. And I am going to wear these super-sexy, crotchless, bright red panties and this amazingly hot and sexy bustier in vibrant red. All of which my mom thinks is awesome for me. See, she's finally accepted me for who I am and isn't trying to change anything about me for the first time in 27 years. It's nice to be able to be myself in her presence. She's getting excited and having fun planning her wedding and her honeymoon to Niagara Falls. As we were talking, laughing and trying on dresses I started wondering if this would ever be the reverse. Will I ever be married?? Will I ever have the opportunity to be with that special someone who makes me tingle and quiver at the knees even after almost 5 years?? Will I ever be in love again?? I was watching these 2 young and very naive girls (they couldn't have been anymore than 20 maybe 21) trying on gowns at the same time as my mom and me and I was thinking that it's tragic. These 2 young girls haven't even lived. They are so young and while I wish them nothing but the best I also know that marriages with people that young very rarely survive. See, I want to be married someday but not for another couple of years. I like the idea of dating someone for a while. I like the idea of that moment where everything just makes sense and all of a sudden you just know. I'm of course also open to the idea of spontaneity, fast paced and a rushed you just kind of know relationship too. I guess we'll just leave this as I'm open to being in love and taking it day to day. That sounds better than the above 2 sentences. Yup, definitely better....
But....I got a little off track. Back to my feelings of this immense change that is sure to take place in 2010 that has already started. My mom is getting married. As you of course know. My mom is happy. That's the first big change. The second is that my son, Cammie, is now becoming more and more independent. This makes me sad. Hugs, kisses and cuddles are becoming fewer and farther between. He feeds himself, is starting to potty train, talk and can do so many things on his own. Makes me feel not needed nearly as much. Makes me a little sad. My mother tells me that he's exactly like me. That this is my personality showing itself more and more everyday. She says this with the same sadness in her eyes that I feel when I watch Cammie learn something new. It's as if she's remembering back to when I was Cammie's age. Not to mention he's a social butterfly and not shy at all. Another quality mom says is a replica of me. I know this too. I know it's my personality. He's such a good boy and so smart. 2 of the biggest changes that are starting to make there way into my life faster and faster.
There are other things happening too. I never see my baby brother anymore. He hardly ever wants to see Cammie either. He was thrilled to be an uncle and was always over here. He was adamant that he spend as much time with Cammie as possible. He didn't want Cammie to end up like him. No male influence. But now he has this girl in his life. I'm happy for him. He deserves to be happy, but he never sees Cammie. The last few times I've taken Cammie into the store where he works so that he could see his nephew Cammie clung to me and fussed every time Brian got close. Brian would take a step toward us and Cammie tensed up, wrapped his arms around me and whined. This is not a good thing in my opinion. Cammie never acted that way. The one day Brian came over here to see Cammie (back in December), Cammie wouldn't go near him. He hung back behind me and clung to my pant leg. I don't understand what's going on. Cammie and Brian were always close until a few months ago. Cammie absolutely will not go near him now. Does anyone know why this would be happening?? But even Brian is changing. I'm not sure whether it's for the better or for the worse. He's no longer talking to me. He used to talk to me when he had a problem or needed advice or just because he was bored but he doesn't anymore. And the last time he did talk to me was just before Christmas were I was in tears before he left here. He found every definition of the word stupid to call me. Mom and I were both appalled at his behavior. I was humiliated by my baby brother in front of my son. I am over it now but something is changing between me and Brian. He's kind of disappearing from the family. I only hope he is truly happy and healthy. But I have no true knowledge of any of this either. I kind of miss him needing me too. Mom has Norman and Brian has his new life. But things are changing even further. one of my annoying aunts has stopped being so annoying. It happened almost as soon as I typed the blog about her and my other aunt. I keep wondering if she read it. It doesn't bother me...as a matter of fact if she did it would be a huge weight off my shoulders. She's not acting cold or cruel but kind and thoughtful. She's giving me my space now and I'm wondering if she relayed the blog to my other aunt because she's not calling nearly as often and she's also respecting my right to say no. They even have new friends.
So, as you can all see there are many changes taking place this year. Even though some of these changes seem as though they make me a bit lonely and sad I'm also able to see the good in all of this too. I'm more relaxed, confident and optimistic than ever. I'm taking the initiative to make my life the way I want it to be. My aunts aren't as needy, my mom and brother seem to be happier and my son is becoming more independent. As sad as some of those above mentioned things can seem they are also good too. I'm becoming more of myself again. I think that's one of the reason's I felt so sad. I haven't been able to actually be myself in so long that I got a little scared. Now, I'm finding myself again. Some of the person I used to be. I'm tossing myself back onto the dating scene. I'm trying the online personals again. (hahahaha) I'm expanding my job search into even more states. I'm even attempting to reconnect with more of my friends from school here in VT. It's been kind of nice and whats even more funny is that my new attitude change is being noticed. My "boss" Pat said that I looked great and happier than usual. Someone in the elevator at the hospital who I've known for about 12 years said that I looked wonderful and had a glow about me. Even my aunt and her co-workers said that I seemed different and lighter. I got checked out and flirted with 2 really cute EMT's and even seem to think that I'm being checked out by someone else consistently. (The guy from the blog before this one)
So, as you can see there most definitely is a drastic (good) change looming in the air. While I realize that there will inevitably be bad things that have to happen this year to maintain a solid universal balance...I believe that there are also lots of good things to look forward to as well. I just think that the good things for me are going to happen closer to the middle or end of the year. I'm even believing more and more that I might not be so alone by the end of the year. Who knows?? Anything is possible at this point. A new adventure awaits me in 2010.
Til next time and once again a huge debt of gratitude goes out to anyone who read this.
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