So, here I sit on Saturday, January 2nd 2010 @ 11:04 AM watching You've Got Mail and listening to my handsome little monkey man banging on his new drum set with an immense sense of pride consuming my guts. My handsome baby boy was given the choice of a little guitar, a Tonka truck or a drum set and he chose the drum set. 3rd generation Wheeler to play the drums. Even if this doesn't last long at least I can say years from now that my son at almost 21 months old chose to bang the drums for his first official instrument. My daddy plays the drums and my being daddy's little girl I just had to learn them myself. Now here I sit watching and listening to my baby boy go "la la la la" and bang around on his tiny set of drums.
Which is going to bring me into my next point. I feel sorry for men who don't ever get to have a daughter. I realize that most men long for that son to toss a football around with. A son to carry on the infamous last name. A son to make him proud. But these macho men have no idea what they are missing by feeling this way. They will never know how much love a daughter has for her father. That look a daughter gets in her eyes as she listens to her father speak about something or nothing. They will never have that opportunity to be placed high upon a pedestal where he will sit proudly for many, many years. He will never know the joys of hearing these words "Daddy, walk me down the aisle...I'm getting married." He will never have those precious moments where he gets to be the center of her universe. He will never be able to experience the father/daughter dances. Most boys form strong bonds with their mothers. These bonds stay strong for many years while the bond between a father and son may change as the boys grow into men. But for me and many women I know the bond between a father and daughter grows stronger with each passing year. Mother's and daughter have a tendency to fight a lot and in the midst of those fights these little girls and young women are going to turn to the only person that might understand them better than anyone...their daddy's. These men who have sons might feel a sense of pride and joy and boast that they were "man enough" to create all boys. But do they ever wonder what will happen when these boys turn into men and no longer see eye to eye with their fathers. These boys inevitably become men and in my experience (especially as the generations change perceptions of family) can become angry and at times stop talking altogether. (the same goes for mother's and daughter as well) My own family is a prime example of this kind of thing. My brother and father have not spoken in almost 20 years. My step-brothers and their biological dad have not spoken in about 2o years as well. My dad and his father have only recently reconnected after 40 years of not speaking. I have friends who go months without speaking to their fathers. But daughters can be more forgiving. Yes, of course their are daughters out there who also go years without speaking to their dads but these young women also have a tendency to miss those precious moments where they are daddy's little girl and will inevitably forgive and forget and move on to form an even stronger long lasting bond with their dads. I love being daddy's little princess. My dad is and always will be my hero. I have so many happy memories of father/daughter moments. Afternoons at Anthony's Diner drinking hot chocolate and coffee and sharing a donut while listening to daddy talk about Vietnam and laughing so hard at his jokes that I thought my stomach was going to burst. These are moments that will linger for many years to come. My daddy will walk me down the aisle someday and we'll dance the father daughter dance to that cliche song "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle. We'll laugh and he'll tear up as he gives away his littler girl. We have a grown up father/daughter relationship now but I still look at him through daddy's little girl eyes. That glimmer still appears when he talks. We talk more now about world events and religion and politics and our views on the entertainment industry and the war going on and we don't always agree but we have this unspoken respect for one another. We still have this amazing bond that no one can ever break. That's the daddy's little girl bond. A truly amazing connection...doncha think?
So, yeah that's my first ramble. All because my son chose a drum set over a Tonka truck. All because I began just watching him as he had fun smashing the symbol and banging the tom then kicking the pedal against the bass. I was brought back to my own reasons for wanting to pick up the sticks. My dad!
Now, my next ramble. Different than the above but somewhat related. Here goes. I've been watching my dad and step-mom. They are so much in love after 18 years of marriage. A marriage that has seen it's fair share of issues either with us kids or between each other and yet here they are 18 years later still holding hands as they walk down the street or sitting on the couch watching movies. They still look at each other as though they are newly weds. They still kiss each other and dance as though it's their first kiss or their first dance. It's remarkable to watch because this kind of love is so rare. Then there is my mother and her fiance Norman. Which by the way the more I get to know Norman the more I like him. He's not the way I originally thought he was. He's quite nice and accepting...well at least of my brother and I. He treats my mom like a queen and takes care of her. He's even looking forward to being a grandmother by marriage. And watching them makes me realize how much they love and care for each other.
So, the connecting link to the above and what I really wanted to ramble about is this...I miss that feeling of being in love. I have only really known it once. With a man who was all wrong for me and yet all right for me at the same time. Makes no sense believe me but it's true. He was everything I wanted and yet had all the same qualities of the person I didn't want. He was beautiful. He had this long dark hair with neon red streaks on either side of his face. He had 9 peircings. 2 very large and beautifully artistic tattoo's. And I fell madly in love and lust with him from the very first moment I saw his picture. Yes, we met online. We were perfect for each other and yet completely wrong for each other too. Go figure. I miss this feeling. I haven't felt it since him and I hadn't felt it before him.
I have faith that 2010 is going to be amazing. The only resolution I have made this year is to listen to my gut when it tells me something instead of thinking that I'm just being silly. So, my gut is telling me that this year holds something wonderful. Of course what that is I have no idea. That's half the fun of life. Not knowing what might be around the next corner. So, far though this year is looking amazingly wonderful. My reason for that last couple of paragraphs is because last night I was lying in bed just listening to Sade sing one of my favorite songs "The Sweetest Taboo" and staring at my ceiling feeling this over-whelming sense of calm when I turned on my right side and that feeling disappeared into a sense of sadness and loneliness. The right side of my bed is empty and has been for almost 3 years now. My son's father and I stopped sleeping together about a month into the relationship. I haven't slept next to someone since January 2007. When that man I fell in love with and I called it quits due to too many things incompatible. I miss being with someone. I miss turning over and seeing someone on my right side. It's been so long since I've been in love that I wonder if it can happen twice in a lifetime. My friends keep telling me to hold on and have faith. Some how they know he's out there looking for me too. Believe me when I say that my friends are not the type to just tell me what I want to hear. My friends and I are brutally honest with each other. The truth can be painful but we have a solemn vow to be honest no matter what and so far it's worked. So, when they tell me that someone is waiting to find me too I have a tendency to believe them. So, despite my sadness that came over me instantly as I rolled onto my right side in my king size bed to where the sheets remain cold and untouched I thought of my friends words and somehow felt at peace again.
So, this year is going to be amazing and with my friends words ringing in my mind and my mother and father both having been able to each find that twice in a lifetime love I have faith. Things are gonna be wonderful.
Here's to 2010!! I hope everyone is having a good year so far and thanks for reading my somewhat inconsistent and long-ass blog.
Til next time!
~M~
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