Obie Kabie. So, tonight is gonna be a little bit different than usual. No annoyances. No irritations. No hypothetical soap box rants and rambles. Just a blog about the year. The events both good and bad. A reminiscence of sorts. I'm doing this now because I have a lot to say and don't care to wait. Plus, the year is going to end in a matter of a few weeks.
2009. An interesting year. 2009 had a rocky start that should have told me exactly how this year was going to go, but alas I was my overly-optimistic self and shrugged it off as just a strange set of events. I usually don't believe in that kind of thing. Ya know that 'this has to mean something' kind of thing. Instead I just pushed ahead and looked forward to 2009. After all life wasn't that bad. I was going into the year with my dream job. A job I had wanted since I was 6 years old. I was working for the man who had inspired me to go into radio in the first place. That was a good start. And the most important thing that I was heading into 2009 with was my handsome little boy, Cameron. The most important person in my life. My universe.
But.....
I should have gone with my gut and first instinct and realized that New Years Eve at 11:39 PM's event did mean something and was the start for what was to come in 2009.
Here we go...the 2009 recap starting with that fateful event that happened at 11:39 PM December 31, 2008.
Lemme give you a little background first. I had reconnected with an old friend. Someone I had known since the 3rd grade. She and I had been best friends from 3rd grade right on up to freshman year of high school when we lost contact. We found each other again in August 2009 when we both were going through court battles over our kids. Mine a lot easier than hers I later discovered. We started hanging out and getting to know each other all over again and I decided that it would be a great idea to spend New Years Eve together at First Night. So, I bought the buttons for all of us as a gift and treat for her and her 3 kids. Toward the end Cammie was getting fussy and her kids were becoming awful to deal with. They were disobedient, uncontrollable and throwing some pretty severe and very embarrassing tantrums at Fuller Hall. So, we were asked to leave because of them and made our way back to the van and came home. She called me just after she got home and we had a few words of disagreement and that was that. Years of childhood friendship and months of attempting to reconnect gone because of our different parenting styles. What had in essence brought us back together (our kids) was what inevitably tore us apart. I knew we were not meant to be friends but absentmindedly shrugged these feelings aside and decided it was all in my head. I decided to be optimistic and continue trying despite how different we both had become in the 11 years we had been separated from each other. (one would think that after what happened to me back in 2004 with my ex-husband I would start listening to my gut feelings and not just shrug them off right?? hahaha) This friend had been through so much crap that had derailed her. The scariest thing though was that some of the things she had been through I had also been through...just at different stages of our lives. We had both been victims of domestic abuse and rape. We had both been used and tossed away by men and we both had difficult relationships with one parent or another at one point or another. We had simply chosen to handle these situations differently. She had chosen alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and one awful, abusive relationship after another to deal with her issues and I had chosen to fight head on and not let anything keep me down. After being raped and abused by my ex-husband I sought counseling and took a woman's self defense class as well as kick boxing to help me deal with the anger and aggression I was feeling toward him. I chose to deal with the parental issues by facing the problems head on and forgiving instead of holding onto the anger and harsh feelings. She also gave up all of her dreams and goals. I chose to pursue them. Even when they didn't pan out the way I had hoped or visioned they would I still kept trying and in the meantime setting new goals and dreams for myself. She gave up and tossed in the towel and I refuse (even now) to give up and allow anything to hold me back or keep me down.
11:39 PM on December 31, 2008 our friendship came to an end officially. I set the phone back on the receiver and decided that being friends with her was no longer an option. I sat down in my recliner, rocked Cammie to sleep, put on my comfy, oversize pj's and turned on the TV to watch the ball drop from Time's Square. I shrugged off the feeling that was festering in my gut. It kept telling me that something wasn't right. I just assumed that it was due to the confrontation I had just had a few minutes earlier. I called my baby brother and talked to him about it and worked through the emotions.
Then the ball dropped and I went to bed. I cried and then fell into a deep dreamless sleep still hopeful that 2009 was gonna be awesome.
That feeling ended 2 days into 2009 2 days before I was supposed to go back to work at the best job in the world. Being a disc jockey at WGMT Magic 97.7 FM. I decided to go to Vermontmornings.com and read the latest article by Todd Wellington. Much to my shock and horror it was a goodbye to his fans and listeners. After 7 years as a morning co-host he was being let go due to the bad economy and low advertising. I then heard about Greg/Josh at KIX 105.5 FM (the local country station) who had been let go as well after 3 years there. I knew it was inevitable. My job was next on the chopping block. So, I emailed my boss and inspiration Steve Nichols and asked when I was to do my last on air broadcast. He emailed me back that next morning and said that he was sorry to tell me this but I had already done my last shift. I was being let go immediately. He would have my paycheck mailed to me. I believe him when he said that he did everything he could to keep his jocks but in the end it wasn't enough. Once again I tried to remain optimistic and keep my chin up. I sent him back an email immediately that told him I would be A-OK and that I was appreciative for his hiring me. That he had made my childhood dreams come true when he did so. I also told him that he hadn't seen nor heard the last of me. I was fighter and this wasn't gonna keep me down.
Then a week later January 12, 2009 everything seemed as though the year was going to be a great year cuz my baby boy took his first steps. 9 months, 5 days old and he walked 11 steps across the living room of our tiny apartment. I was ecstatic. I had been able to see his first official steps. I then had hope. I continued on with my job hunting. I filled out application after application after application and sent out resume after resume after resume and called employer after potential employer after employer only to keep being told the same damn things. "We're not busy enough." "We went with someone else more qualified." "We aren't looking for anyone new right now but we'll keep your application on file and call if we need someone." or lame excuses that were the equivalent of being told that I was "over-qualified" Months of interview after hopeful interview and still nothing. Then April came around and everything seemed right with the world. My handsome baby boy turned 1 on April 7th and the party went off without a hitch. He had a blast with all of his family surrounding him. Cammie kept my mind off most things during the day but at night it was a different story.
The downs of 2009. I went through some pretty bad days that no one ever saw. I kept my negative feelings to myself for the most part. I cried in the solace of apartment where no one but my cats could hear or see me. I wept silently into my pillow night after night after night feeling more and more lonely. Cameron would go to bed and I would feel that lonely aching sadness creep over me again and again. It hurt so much some nights that all I did was cry and think about how much I wanted to be with someone on nights like that. This went on for months. Most of May into late September. I was/still am unemployed, (technically unemployed), alone and feeling like nothing was ever going to get better. During the day I was bubbly, happy, optimistic to my friends and family and fellow volunteers at the hospital. I was Mell. This intelligent, bubbly wonderfully hardworking woman. No one ever truly saw the other side of me. I kept her well hidden. My shrouds of tears and sorrowful nights were mine and mine alone. I spent much of my summer hiding my reddened tear stained eyes from the public. I was embarrassed to let people know that I could be so weak and lonely. I wasn't supposed to be that way. After all people counted on me to keep them up and feeling positive.
Then in August (anyone sensing a pattern here about turning point months in my life?) August 29th to be exact after months of flirting and years of being friends with this man I knew from college in Maine we got together in person to see of we could and should be anything more than friends. We got together to find out if we had chemistry beyond friendship. We both had some feelings that had grown for one another over the last 5 months and now we were going to act on them. He came here to Vermont and we got together and hung out by the end of the weekend I was heartbroken and feeling like a take and toss Tupper-ware container. He got what he wanted and never spoke to me again. Instead he pursued someone else and left me in the dirt. (we did manage to save our friendship which is now a bit more strained than before but at least it did get salvaged) But because of this weekend it proved to me that I was still desirable and men could still want me and after that next batch of tears and self-pity cleared (took about 2 weeks) I moved forward again plotting my next course of action. I started planning a move. A move back to Maine to be with my friends who I had started to miss more than anything in the world over the last year. I was feeling confident and happy and positive that things were going to work out for Cammie and me. So, I started calling places in Portland, Maine about apartments and jobs and started planning the next steps. Now, I'm just waiting patiently for an apartment to become available. I have faith again.
Then things (signs of a good year to come) started popping up all over the place for my entire family).
1. My friend Jeni who I had been looking for since freshman year of high school when we were no longer allowed to be friends (because I was a different religion than her) found me on Facebook. Turns out she had been looking for me too.
2. My mom and future step-dad got approved to start planning their wedding officially.
*They also started to talk through the issues that my mom had been withholding from him and the issues that had been causing fights between me and my mom over the last few months (look to previous post for that story)
3. My baby brother started hanging out with a young lady friend who he has taken a serious interest in. He's very happy and has a friend who needs him as much as he needs her. Very sweet actually.
4. My Aunt Birdie who lost her job shortly after I did is the happiest anyone has ever seen her. She's losing weight and more relaxed and is even thinking about going to CCV to take some classes and maybe even get a degree. (I'm uber-duber proud of her)
Those are the things and events that are giving me hope that maybe next year all is going to be OK. I'm also feeling more optimistic that a man or some kind of relationship is in the cards for me too. I keep sitting here at night feeling so very happy for my friends and family but I still feel somewhat blue at times when I realize that my family isn't coming over nearly as often because they all have someone. My brother has Amanda. My mom has Norman. My Aunt Carol has Larry and my Aunt Birdie has her friend's Dee and Sandy. I have my school work and work when they need me and most importantly I have my son. But despite all of that there is still a feeling that something is missing.
But because of all the good fortune my friends and family have seen to end the year I have faith and hope that maybe next year will be great.
So, my new years resolution is going to be fairly simple. It's to keep my chin up and continue moving forward. I may have had 23 job declinations in 2009, a broken friendship and a broken heart but I believe with all my heart and soul that there is always bad before the good hits. Things always, always get worse before they get better. 8-)
So, there you have it. 2009 in a nutshell. The good. The bad. The happy and finally the sad.
Here's to 2010 and the good things that lie ahead for all of us.
Til next time!!
~M~
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