This means war!!

Some people just don't know when to quit.  I don't see anything wrong with self-improvement or trying to learn more.  Though, 1 person continues to take simple statements and blow them completely out of proportion and turn them into something they are not.  I'm fed up and so now I am fighting back.  This person has officially warn out their welcome.  I am officially ensuring that they never set foot through our door ever again!! I'm done!! I've had enough!! Over a year of feeling like I can't do anything right, of feeling guilty for choices I'm making as a parent, for being judged by this person, and for pretending like the words they say don't bother me despite crying in my hubby's arms for hours upon leaving their house.  Done!! I'm through!! This person does not see what goes on in this house, they have no clue as to what Wilson and I are like as a couple.  We do fight.  We disagree.  We are happy.  And we both can always make improvements.  Why must a simple statement made by my husband require something that has yet again caused both Wilson and me to get angry.  I knew he was annoyed from the look on his face.  I saw the anger building.  He told me and then the anger festered within me.  They do that without thinking I'm sure!! filtering is not something they do best and a lot of times it's at the cost of someone else's hurt feeling such as tonight!! It doesn't help their cause by  any means!! They don't seem to be aware that those kinds of "coming to the defense" type of statements (As I'm very sure that's what they assumed they were doing) can cause for harm!! Think before you post something crude on someone else's wall!! Ask the person making the statement if there was an underlying reason for the wall post before you go and make some dumb comment.  There might not have been anything at all behind it (which there wasn't) Don't go making assumptions before getting the whole story!! Well, this person crossed yet another line and they have now officially lost all rights to the kids as well as any type of place in this home!! I'm done!!

Life has funny, funny ways of working out!

Well, life sure does have a funny way of working out.

Here goes…I’m gonna do my best to keep this short and to the point…hahaha That’s funny!! I never keep these things short! Be prepared for the ramble with my explanation below!

So, just as I had given up on love and had accepted the thought of being alone…Wam! Bam!!! The love bug bites me in the ass! In a good way and has landed me in head over my heels, reach for the stars, absolutely the best feeling kind of love anyone could ever ask for. With…the most amazing, out-of-the-blue, unexpected man!!

I’ve known this man for over 10 years now. I was 17 when I first met him as fellow employees at the old Ames here in Saint Johnsbury. He was an electronics associate and I was hired in November 1999 as a seasonal cashier. I’ll never forget the first time I met him. I thought “Well, he’s kinda cute, but somewhat sarcastic and annoying.” He was sitting in the break room listening to Bruce Springsteen on his walkman. Life went on as usual…I took of for college and though I never forgot him (I never forget anyone or anything) and definitely didn’t think anything bad if him. He was always very nice and pleasant and hard working but life kept on flowing and time went by. Then I moved back to Vermont from Maine with my son and low and behold who is working in the electronics department at the Wal-Mart in Littleton, NH when I was there just a-shopping away…but this same man. He was just as I had remembered him from years before. Tall, lanky and cute. Sweet, kind and very sociable. He even remembered me. It had been years since the last time we’d seen each other and there he was back in 2008 remembering me and chatting away with me.

Well, life went on again and every so often we’d bump into each other at Wal-Mart when I would head on over that way to go shopping. He was always friendly to both me and my son only I started noticing him in a different light. He was a lot cuter than I remembered.

Once again time went on then out of the blue I started wondering about him. Every time I saw him I swore to myself that this would be the time I would ask if he had a Facebook profile, but every time I saw him I chickened out.

Then when I was there back in February of this year I finally got up the guts to ask him. Low and behold he had one and when I got home with Cammie I put away all the crap I had bought and looked him up. Once he accepted the friend request I made sure to get the ball rolling on the “getting to know each other” thing and left him a comment thanking him for accepting the request and adding me to his list. Then he would leave me comments and so on and so forth. We chatted on FB via comments for a few weeks until out of the blue I found myself falling for him. I started picking up on the vibe from him and for the first time in my life actually listened to my gut. I decided to take a chance and post a youtube.com video of Bruce Springsteen’s Glory Days as I knew he would leave a comment. I was right about that….he left me a comment and even went a step further…he imed me using FB chat. My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe that my plan had actually worked. We chatted for about an hour all the while he was hinting about asking me out (at least I kind of thought it was hinting) and once again my gut was correct. He was hinting about asking me out on a date. Can you believe this?? I mean this is the kind of thing that only happens in the movies ya know? Lol

So, we planned on going out Thursday, March 11th and when Thursday finally got here I swear my heart was pounding so loudly you could have heard it beating outside my body. He was even cool with me bringing along Cammie. He showed up, gave me a hug, greeted Cammie then we walked out to his car where he opened the door for me, shut the door for me, helped get Cammie into the car (not in that order lol) and had a flower…a purple carnation wrapped in bright red tissue paper and tied with 3 strands of purple ribbons. He knew my favorite colors!! So far the date had gone well. We got to the restaurant …the Valley View in Lyndonville where he paid for the whole thing!! Wowza!! Then we came back to my place and cuddled, kissed and he played with Cammie. It was truly an amazing first date!

We decided to change our statuses that night and here I sit head over heels in love with this man that I never, ever would have guessed I would end up with! I am absolutely the happiest I have ever been in a very, very long time!!!

His name is Wilson Rivera and I can’t wait to see where this goes from here!!

So, as always thanks for reading this if ya did!

Til next time!

~M~

Intimidating??? Me?????

So, another topic dealing with dating and the way people perceive me...here goes...

I was told today that one of the biggest reasons I can't find anyone to date me is not because I'm not pretty or smart but because I'm intimidating.  Intimidating???  Wow!!!  When I asked him to elaborate he said that it's because I come across as independent, sociable, intelligent, confident and in control of my life.  He told me that I'm intimidating and can make men feel insecure because I'm always open and honest and able to make decisions on my own.  How are any of these things bad???  I'm confused.  I used to be the total opposite.  I was sad, depressed, lonely, an outcast, geeky, had bad low self-esteem and no confidence what-so-ever.  I could tell you what people were wearing for shoes but eye color??  Not so much.  It took me years to become who I am today and actually like who I am.  I do have a tendency to take control and lead if necessary.  I do have a tendency to set goals and plans and 99% of the time I follow through with them.  I know how to make decisions and tough choices and I do have some pretty strong opinions of my own and I do have a voice that works.  I worked hard for a good 10 years to find that voice and become the woman I am today.  Now, I'm being told that I'm intimidating to men.  I'm aware of all of the above.  I never saw these parts of my personality as flaws.  I know the appropriate places and people to show each quality with.  I do know when to restrain myself.  I know who, when and where I can show more of my confidence and be the most out there with my opinions.  I do know when to show respect for other people.  I also try very hard to be respectable and classy in certain public settings.  But according to quite a few of the people I spoke to...I'm still intimidating.  These people (all of whom I trust with my life and to be honest with me)  keep telling me it's not a bad thing but most men can't handle a strong woman.  I even went so far as to ask what I should do.  Should I change parts of my personality?  Should I tweak some things?  Should I play that God Damn damsel in distress part??  Should I dumb myself down?  Should I attempt to let the guy lead a little more (not that I've had a lot of luck with that in the past)  Tried that before.  For example...all I wanted him to do was take the lead a few times and he couldn't even choose a GD juice.  We stood there for a good 15 minutes in Hannaford while he said "I don't know hun...you decide."  and when I made the choice it wasn't what he wanted and then we repeated the damn process until I finally got mad and walked away leaving him to choose the damn juice he wanted and I bought my own.  I don't always want to take the damn lead and have all the control in a relationship but when all I date is men who are so damn laid back that they leave everything up to me in the end someone has to make the decisions.  Now I find out that it's because I'm able to make choices and use my brain that it's also the reason I can't get a date.  What the hell am I supposed to do??  There really is no winning here as far as I can see.  Men want to be in charge and take control once in a while and I want to relinquish control once in a while but every time I date a guy and give up the control for a while he can't make a simple decision as to what juice we buy or what movie we rent on a Saturday night.  I give him the freedom to make the decision on his own, no help from me, and in the end it winds up being me to make the final choice or storm out in frustration because he turns to me for help and I won't give it because he wanted the choice that night.  (breathe)  Where does the insanity stop??  I can't win!! 

The truth is...I would love to fall in love with a man who can take the lead at least 45% of the time.  I would love to give my brain a break and let him make the choices for a while.  But sadly, I've yet to find THAT man. Now, I'm being told that my intelligence, looks, the way I compose myself, my confidence and social skills are intimidating!!  I just want to scream!!!!!  What do I do??  I do have flaws too.  I'm most certainly not perfect.  Far from it actually.  I have a short temper at times.  I have little to no patience at times.  I get frustrated!  This is what makes me human.  Sometimes I even suffer from low self-esteem and have to build myself back up.  But I rely heavily on myself to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I won't allow myself to stay sad for long cuz I feel that this doesn't help anything.  It would be so easy some days to just stay in bed and say "Oh whoa is me...I'm gonna feel sorry for myself today."  But this is not an option and it doesn't get me anywhere.  It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself cuz I'm a single mom, unemployed (again), no help from anyone, no social life.  Boo hoo for me!! But this doesn't get me anywhere.  I push forward no matter what.  I'm in control of my own life.  I have to be!  I have no other options.  I have to be there for Cameron.  I'm all he has.  I don't have the option to fall apart and crumble under the pressures of every day life.  Now, I'm finding out that this is another reason men are intimidated.  Well, Boo Hoo for them!! 

My brother was the reason all this started.  He's the one who told me that the reason men might not be interested is that I'm strong and able to take care of myself and Cammie with little to no help.  He also told me not to change even though as a sister I intimidate him too.  I don't intentionally make men feel intimidated.  I just don't see a problem with being strong.  My brother said that men are weak whether they want to admit it or not and a strong woman scares them.  The only guys who go for strong women are the ones looking for a mom not a g/f, momma's boys, players and addicts.  These types need someone controlling so that they aren't required to think for themselves. Yup, sounds about right I've dated all of the above.  My baby brother is smart too and tells it like it is.  One of the grown up qualities we've developed as brother and sister is this ability to be brutally honest with one another.  It works for us.  So, he told me the truth.  I'm intimidating.  I'm too confident for most men and while I want/need someone to match me he told me that it's never going to happen.  Eventually I'm gonna have to settle.  So, settle I must do.  (I already knew that though)  (Side note...as you can see my brother and I are getting along again and Cammie is back to feeling comfy enough to go to Brian again...and he is very happy, healthy and doing well in his life...he also told me not to give up...he feels that I will eventually find someone)    :) 

He also told me about that guy I like...

My baby brother knows the guy I like.  He says that while he would approve of us dating if it happened (he's a friend of his)  he also told me to be wary of him.  While he takes his job seriously and can be mature at work he is also still very much a child.  Apparently this guy is addicted to video games to a very high extreme.  He also enjoys alcohol quite a bit and has never really had a real relationship that he is aware of.  He's an over all good guy but is a psychological experiment all his own.  Maybe this is why despite my gut feeling telling me correctly that he is flirting with me my gut is also telling me to proceed with caution.  I kind of figured everything out on my own.  He is someone that I would need to be cautious of.  While he is a very good guy and very good at his job (a job that requires tons of patience and can be, I'm sure, exhausting due to what he does for a living...this is a job that I absolutely 100% do not want nor could I do due to lack of patience on my part) he also gives off a few vibes that I've ignored before when entering into a new relationship.  Not this time.  This time I'm going to listen to all of my instincts and feelings and proceed carefully.  He is almost 29 years old and lives in a house the equivalent of a college frat house with roommates that refuse to grow up.  That alone is a huge red flag.  I'm so far past the one night stand, stay up all night partying (not that I ever did that anyway, but ya know what I mean), and drink til I'm blue in the face part of my life (not that I ever did that either, but again, ya know what I mean). 

At this point in my life while I know that I am fully ready to be in a relationship again at some point, but I'm also not willing to compromise on some things like I have in the past with men.  I made mistakes not listening to my guts before and now that I'm a few years old I won't repeat those same mistakes.  Not to mention I have my son to think about and Cameron will always, ALWAYS come first no matter what.

So, once again there is an update on this over-analyzed part of my life.  I just know that no matter what happens 2010 is gonna be awesome and amazing!!!

Til next time...

~M~ :)

Lonliness and 2010....

Well, tonight is the first official night that I have felt this lonely.  Funny cuz I'm still feeling that really good feeling deep in the pit of my tummy that says "just keep waiting...something good is right around the corner." 

Today, was an interesting day.  It's been an interesting year so far actually.  Nothing bad, but interesting and I can feel a very large change billowing in the air.  A lot of things are going to happen this year for everyone in my family not just me.  I'm not sure of all of the details but I can feel it.  The last time I felt this way was in 2005-2006.  A lot of good and not so good things happened but some were forever life-altering.  Not always bad by any means though. 

Here's what happened today and to follow directly after what's happening to make me believe and feel that there's a massive change looming over my family.  Today, I went dress shopping in Newport with my mom and Cammie.  She was trying on wedding dresses for her official wedding day in July.  And I got to try on maid of honor dresses. It was actually a lot of fun being there with my mom.  We've both grown so much over the last couple of years.  Our bond as mother and daughter is the strongest it has ever been and probably ever will be.  We're mother and daughter, friends and mothers all at the same time.  She's the happiest and most open I've ever seen her and in turn that makes me happy.  She and I had the most fun picking out my dress.  It's beautiful and makes me feel so sexy.  This amazingly exquisite dress in this brilliant, vibrant cherry red color, spaghetti straps, and floor length.  My mom approved these amazingly sexy (Frederick's of Hollywood) heels.  4 inch heels that'll bring me up to 6 feet even.  Strapped, metallic silver.  And I am going to wear these super-sexy, crotchless, bright red panties and this amazingly hot and sexy bustier in vibrant red.  All of which my mom thinks is awesome for me.  See, she's finally accepted me for who I am and isn't trying to change anything about me for the first time in 27 years.  It's nice to be able to be myself in her presence.  She's getting excited and having fun planning her wedding and her honeymoon to Niagara Falls.  As we were talking, laughing and trying on dresses I started wondering if this would ever be the reverse.  Will I ever be married??  Will I ever have the opportunity to be with that special someone who makes me tingle and quiver at the knees even after almost 5 years??  Will I ever be in love again??  I was watching these 2 young and very naive girls (they couldn't have been anymore than 20 maybe 21) trying on gowns at the same time as my mom and me and I was thinking that it's tragic.  These 2 young girls haven't even lived.  They are so young and while I wish them nothing but the best I also know that marriages with people that young very rarely survive.  See, I want to be married someday but not for another couple of years.  I like the idea of dating someone for a while.  I like the idea of that moment where everything just makes sense and all of a sudden you just know.  I'm of course also open to the idea of spontaneity, fast paced and a rushed you just kind of know relationship too.  I guess we'll just leave this as I'm open to being in love and taking it day to day.  That sounds better than the above 2 sentences.  Yup, definitely better....

But....I got a little off track.  Back to my feelings of this immense change that is sure to take place in 2010 that has already started.  My mom is getting married.  As you of course know.  My mom is happy.  That's the first big change.  The second is that my son, Cammie, is now becoming more and more independent.  This makes me sad.  Hugs, kisses and cuddles are becoming fewer and farther between.  He feeds himself, is starting to potty train, talk and can do so many things on his own.  Makes me feel not needed nearly as much.  Makes me a little sad.  My mother tells me that he's exactly like me.  That this is my personality showing itself more and more everyday.  She says this with the same sadness in her eyes that I feel when I watch Cammie learn something new.  It's as if she's remembering back to when I was Cammie's age.  Not to mention he's a social butterfly and not shy at all.  Another quality mom says is a replica of me.  I know this too.  I know it's my personality.  He's such a good boy and so smart.  2 of the biggest changes that are starting to make there way into my life faster and faster. 

There are other things happening too.  I never see my baby brother anymore.  He hardly ever wants to see Cammie either.  He was thrilled to be an uncle and was always over here.  He was adamant that he spend as much time with Cammie as possible.  He didn't want Cammie to end up like him.  No male influence.  But now he has this girl in his life.  I'm happy for him.  He deserves to be happy, but he never sees Cammie.  The last few times I've taken Cammie into the store where he works so that he could see his nephew Cammie clung to me and fussed every time Brian got close.  Brian would take a step toward us and Cammie tensed up, wrapped his arms around me and whined.  This is not a good thing in my opinion.  Cammie never acted that way.  The one day Brian came over here to see Cammie (back in December), Cammie wouldn't go near him.  He hung back behind me and clung to my pant leg.  I don't understand what's going on.  Cammie and Brian were always close until a few months ago.  Cammie absolutely will not go near him now.  Does anyone know why this would be happening??  But even Brian is changing.  I'm not sure whether it's for the better or for the worse.  He's no longer talking to me.  He used to talk to me when he had a problem or needed advice or just because he was bored but he doesn't anymore.  And the last time he did talk to me was just before Christmas were I was in tears before he left here.  He found every definition of the word stupid to call me.  Mom and I were both appalled at his behavior.  I was humiliated by my baby brother in front of my son.  I am over it now but something is changing between me and Brian.  He's kind of disappearing from the family.  I only hope he is truly happy and healthy.  But I have no true knowledge of any of this either.  I kind of miss him needing me too.  Mom has Norman and Brian has his new life.  But things are changing even further.  one of my annoying aunts has stopped being so annoying.  It happened almost as soon as I typed the blog about her and my other aunt.  I keep wondering if she read it.  It doesn't bother me...as a matter of fact if she did it would be a huge weight off my shoulders.  She's not acting cold or cruel but kind and thoughtful.  She's giving me my space now and I'm wondering if she relayed the blog to my other aunt because she's not calling nearly as often and she's also respecting my right to say no.  They even have new friends. 

So, as you can all see there are many changes taking place this year.  Even though some of these changes seem as though they make me a bit lonely and sad I'm also able to see the good in all of this too.  I'm more relaxed, confident and optimistic than ever.  I'm taking the initiative to make my life the way I want it to be.  My aunts aren't as needy, my mom and brother seem to be happier and my son is becoming more independent.  As sad as some of those above mentioned things can seem they are also good too.  I'm becoming more of myself again.  I think that's one of the reason's I felt so sad.  I haven't been able to actually be myself in so long that I got a little scared.  Now, I'm finding myself again.  Some of the person I used to be.  I'm tossing myself back onto the dating scene.  I'm trying the online personals again.  (hahahaha)  I'm expanding my job search into even more states.  I'm even attempting to reconnect with more of my friends from school here in VT.  It's been kind of nice and whats even more funny is that my new attitude change is being noticed.  My "boss" Pat said that I looked great and happier than usual.  Someone in the elevator at the hospital who I've known for about 12 years said that I looked wonderful and had a glow about me.  Even my aunt and her co-workers said that I seemed different and lighter.  I got checked out and flirted with 2 really cute EMT's and even seem to think that I'm being checked out by someone else consistently.  (The guy from the blog before this one)

So, as you can see there most definitely is a drastic (good) change looming in the air.  While I realize that there will inevitably be bad things that have to happen this year to maintain a solid universal balance...I believe that there are also lots of good things to look forward to as well.  I just think that the good things for me are going to happen closer to the middle or end of the year.  I'm even believing more and more that I might not be so alone by the end of the year.  Who knows??  Anything is possible at this point.  A new adventure awaits me in 2010. 

Til next time and once again a huge debt of gratitude goes out to anyone who read this.

~M~

Oh...and my lonely, semi-sad feeling has diminished with each word that has been typed.  :)

First Blog of 2010...Woot!!! :)

So, here I sit on Saturday, January 2nd 2010 @ 11:04 AM watching You've Got Mail and listening to my handsome little monkey man banging on his new drum set with an immense sense of pride consuming my guts.  My handsome baby boy was given the choice of a little guitar, a Tonka truck or a drum set and he chose the drum set.  3rd generation Wheeler to play the drums.  Even if this doesn't last long at least I can say years from now that my son at almost 21 months old chose to bang the drums for his first official instrument.  My daddy plays the drums and my being daddy's little girl I just had to learn them myself. Now here I sit watching and listening to my baby boy go "la la la la" and bang around on his tiny set of drums.  

Which is going to bring me into my next point.  I feel sorry for men who don't ever get to have a daughter.  I realize that most men long for that son to toss a football around with.  A son to carry on the infamous last name.  A son to make him proud.  But these macho men have no idea what they are missing by feeling this way.  They will never know how much love a daughter has for her father.  That look a daughter gets in her eyes as she listens to her father speak about something or nothing.  They will never have that opportunity to be placed high upon a pedestal where he will sit proudly for many, many years.  He will never know the joys of hearing these words "Daddy, walk me down the aisle...I'm getting married."  He will never have those precious moments where he gets to be the center of her universe.  He will never be able to experience the father/daughter dances.  Most boys form strong bonds with their mothers.  These bonds stay strong for many years while the bond between a father and son may change as the boys grow into men.  But for me and many women I know the bond between a father and daughter grows stronger with each passing year.  Mother's and daughter have a tendency to fight a lot and in the midst of those fights these little girls and young women are going to turn to the only person that might understand them better than anyone...their daddy's.  These men who have sons might feel a sense of pride and joy and boast that they were "man enough" to create all boys.  But do they ever wonder what will happen when these boys turn into men and no longer see eye to eye with their fathers.  These boys inevitably become men and in my experience (especially as the generations change perceptions of family)  can become angry and at times stop talking altogether.  (the same goes for mother's and daughter as well)  My own family is a prime example of this kind of thing.  My brother and father have not spoken in almost 20 years.  My step-brothers and their biological dad have not spoken in about 2o years as well.  My dad and his father have only recently reconnected after 40 years of not speaking.  I have friends who go months without speaking to their fathers.  But daughters can be more forgiving.  Yes, of course their are daughters out there who also go years without speaking to their dads but these young women also have a tendency to miss those precious moments where they are daddy's little girl and will inevitably forgive and forget and move on to form an even stronger long lasting bond with their dads.  I love being daddy's little princess.  My dad is and always will be my hero.  I have so many happy memories of father/daughter moments.  Afternoons at Anthony's Diner drinking hot chocolate and coffee and sharing a donut while listening to daddy talk about Vietnam and laughing so hard at his jokes that I thought my stomach was going to burst.  These are moments that will linger for many years to come.  My daddy will walk me down the aisle someday and we'll dance the father daughter dance to that cliche song "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle.  We'll laugh and he'll tear up as he gives away his littler girl.  We have a grown up father/daughter relationship now but I still look at him through daddy's little girl eyes.  That glimmer still appears when he talks.  We talk more now about world events and religion and politics and our views on the entertainment industry and the war going on and we don't always agree but we have this unspoken respect for one another.  We still have this amazing bond that no one can ever break.  That's the daddy's little girl bond.  A truly amazing connection...doncha think?  

So, yeah that's my first ramble.  All because my son chose a drum set over a Tonka truck.  All because I began just watching him as he had fun smashing the symbol and banging the tom then kicking the pedal against the bass.  I was brought back to my own reasons for wanting to pick up the sticks.  My dad!  

Now, my next ramble.  Different than the above but somewhat related.  Here goes.  I've been watching my dad and step-mom.  They are so much in love after 18 years of marriage.  A marriage that has seen it's fair share of issues either with us kids or between each other and yet here they are 18 years later still holding hands as they walk down the street or sitting on the couch watching movies.  They still look at each other as though they are newly weds.  They still kiss each other and dance as though it's their first kiss or their first dance.  It's remarkable to watch because this kind of love is so rare.  Then there is my mother and her fiance Norman.  Which by the way the more I get to know Norman the more I like him.  He's not the way I originally thought he was.  He's quite nice and accepting...well at least of my brother and I.  He treats my mom like a queen and takes care of her.  He's even looking forward to being a grandmother by marriage.  And watching them makes me realize how much they love and care for each other.  

So, the connecting link to the above and what I really wanted to ramble about is this...I miss that feeling of being in love.  I have only really known it once.  With a man who was all wrong for me and yet all right for me at the same time.  Makes no sense believe me but it's true.  He was everything I wanted and yet had all the same qualities of the person I didn't want.  He was beautiful.  He had this long dark hair with neon red streaks on either side of his face.  He had 9 peircings.  2 very large and beautifully artistic tattoo's.  And I fell madly in love and lust with him from the very first moment I saw his picture.  Yes, we met online.  We were perfect for each other and yet completely wrong for each other too.  Go figure.  I miss this feeling.  I haven't felt it since him and I hadn't felt it before him.  

I have faith that 2010 is going to be amazing.  The only resolution I have made this year is to listen to my gut when it tells me something instead of thinking that I'm just being silly.  So, my gut is telling me that this year holds something wonderful.  Of course what that is I have no idea.  That's half the fun of life.  Not knowing what might be around the next corner.  So, far though this year is looking amazingly wonderful.  My reason for that last couple of paragraphs is because last night I was lying in bed just listening to Sade sing one of my favorite songs "The Sweetest Taboo" and staring at my ceiling feeling this over-whelming sense of calm when I turned on my right side and that feeling disappeared into a sense of sadness and loneliness.  The right side of my bed is empty and has been for almost 3 years now.  My son's father and I stopped sleeping together about a month into the relationship.  I haven't slept next to someone since January 2007.  When that man I fell in love with and I called it quits due to too many things incompatible.  I miss being with someone.  I miss turning over and seeing someone on my right side.  It's been so long since I've been in love that I wonder if it can happen twice in a lifetime.  My friends keep telling me to hold on and have faith.  Some how they know he's out there looking for me too.  Believe me when I say that my friends are not the type to just tell me what I want to hear.  My friends and I are brutally honest with each other.  The truth can be painful but we have a solemn vow to be honest no matter what and so far it's worked.  So, when they tell me that someone is waiting to find me too I have a tendency to believe them.  So, despite my sadness that came over me instantly as I rolled onto my right side in my king size bed to where the sheets remain cold and untouched I thought of my friends words and somehow felt at peace again.  

So, this year is going to be amazing and with my friends words ringing in my mind and my mother and father both having been able to each find that twice in a lifetime love I have faith.  Things are gonna be wonderful.  

Here's to 2010!!  I hope everyone is having a good year so far and thanks for reading my somewhat inconsistent and long-ass blog.  

Til next time! 

~M~

QUIET Reflections...hehe

So, someone described me as quiet.  Of all things to describe as...quiet is certainly not one I hear very often.  Quirky, strange, loner, odd, weird, kind, loud, obnoxious, cocky, colorful, perky, optimistic, bubbly, hard-working, kind-of funny, opinionated, intelligent, blunt, slightly arrogant.  These are things that ring true when describing me.  But Quiet??  Not so much.  I mean of course I do get quiet on occasion...who doesn't?  I get quiet when I'm lost in thought.  I'm quiet when I'm pissed off at someone.  I'm quiet when I'm day-dreaming about a someone I should sooooo NOT be day dreaming about.  I get quiet when I'm alone.  (of course)  But quiet is not something any of my friends or family would describe me as.  

But...this person who used this term was someone who strictly knew me inside of a classroom.  So, to a certain degree I can understand their misconception of me.  Yes, OK this setting I'm quiet in until I really get comfortable with things.  Mostly though...I observe people.  Watch them.  Watch their faces when something is being said that might seem out of the ordinary.  Look at their clothes, shoes, hair-styles.  I try to observe everything.  I like to breathe everything in.  Most people are very predictable and they don't even know it.  9 times out of ten a person's personality is correct upon this type of quiet observation. This type of observation of people's predict abilities is how I remained an A student in public speaking during college in Bangor, ME.  

For me...I try very hard not to be predictable.  I don't want anyone to truly feel as though they know me just yet.  Of course the one exception to this is when I make friends or am in a relationship with someone...then it's only appropriate and respectful to allow people to get to know me and share my true self with them.  Otherwise I'd just be a horrible person and very disrespectful.  I do have my exceptions and limits.  But...for the most part...I like change.  I crave change.  I like things that upset the balance of my life.  I like learning new things.  I try very hard to present myself as anything but predictable. Maybe I've been too quiet in the classroom.  Or....maybe I've been just the correct amount of quiet.  This person said I was polite, nice, a pleasure to be around.  But the word that always catches me off guard is quiet.  People!!  Take a good hard look at the things I post on my FB page.  Read through my status messages.  This is the real me.  I like being daring.  I enjoy making some people cringe.  I like trying to push the edge of the envelope to the point of discomfort.  I enjoy the idea of making people wonder about me. I love that OMG!!! look of shock when a person see's me outside of a class or work setting.  I am very different when in the "real world" setting where I'm allowed to be myself.   I get to be myself outside the walls of a classroom setting.  I'm not politically correct.  I like being naughty.  I enjoy the sexual side of life.  And of course while I admit and acknowledge being seen by men as just that is not something I want nor desire as I am so much more than just that.  I also don't feel that I should be forced to change the way I view my sexuality.  I am more than this too.  I am smart and sexy and see no reason as to why I can't be both.  I'm confident with who I am and see no reason why this is wrong.  

So, those last statements are to acknowledge one of my previous blogs about how I want to be asked out for more than just sexual reasons.  I won't deny that this may seem like I'm contradicting what I said in that blog and to a certain degree that may be somewhat true but at the same time I still am more than just that sexual being and just because I exude a sexual confidence and leave naughty messages on my FB wall does not mean that this topic is all I care to talk about when chatting.  I still hold the right to be sexy and naughty but intelligent and brainy at the same time.  I see absolutely no reason as to why I should have to change that particular part of my personality.  I consider myself well rounded.  I'm emotional, for a couple 2-3 days out of the month I get moody, I'm a damn good mom to my son and always put him first, I'm an honor student, smart and open-minded.  I'm independent and have even made a fair share of mistakes some of which have left a huge impact on my life.  I'm not perfect.  Far from it.  But overall I'm a well rounded good person who strives for excellence in myself and my sexual confidence is just one minor part of me.  I'm happy with who I am and stand by that blog that asked/told any man who hits on me not to expect anything sexual from me.  I might post naughty messages and discuss these topics with my friends...friends who know all of my personality....but I'm so much more. And these friends know this about me.  These are the friends who also talk about politics, religion, books, writing, music, etc.  Sex is not the only topic that comes up.  I won't change that side of me.  I won't stop posting the naughty messages on my FB wall.  If you look closer at my profile you will see that there is a whole lot more to me.  Everything is there.  Clear as a sunny spring morning.  Written out so no one has to guess.  I'm open and honest and willing to answer anything you ask of me.  


OK, so I went off on a bit too long of a tangent and ramble but I figured it was only fair to acknowledge that this blog might slightly contradict that prior blog.  Continuing on with my point below...


There is another reason I try to be more of a quiet observer in this type of setting.  It's also because I want to learn everything I can about the subject to the best of my abilities.  I feel that someone (whether it be myself or the government through grants and loans) s paying for me to be sitting in that class and in that respect I want to take it somewhat seriously.  I want to make good use of every cent that is being paid for me to be sitting there.  I like to show the instructor some respect as well and if I choose to be myself (the more silly, shocking, naughty, sexually aggressive side) then I think this would be extremely disrespectful to not just the teacher but the class as a whole.  

More than anything I just wanted to get this curious discovery spoken about me out in the open.  It came across as befuddling and funny to me.  I'm not really quiet.  I'm actually the total opposite in person.  Truth be told I would actually like to get to know this person outside of the classroom as well.  They are a very attractive, interesting person who seems to have a lot of knowledge beyond the subjects being studied.  And it wouldn't kill them to discover the many sides of Mell either.  I'd like to think that I'm a lot of fun to be around and that I can enhance anyone's life hehehe.  :p

Til next time!!

~M~

Why do men......

Stay in touch with every single girl they once dated??  I've dated enough men to notice a pattern.  Most of these men have remained friends with practically every ex-girlfriend or woman they have dated throughout their life.  Why??  Why must men continue to be friends with exes??  I'm baffled by this.  

I've been watching one of my friends...a very sweet guy...someone who is guilty of this odd type of relationship thingy.  He is literally friends with every single chick he has ever dated.  And now I'm watching him on Facebook every day as he continues to flirt and chat and tehehe with a girl that just dumped him and almost ruined his lifelong friendship with his best mate of like 15 years.  Seriously??  Is it some kind of 'I don't wanna let go" issue.  Is it psychological??  Cuz it makes absolutely no sense to me.  And yes, to those who may be thinking "Well chicks are guilty of this too."  I am fully aware that some chicks remain friends with exes but it still doesn't make it any easier to understand.  I dump a guy or break up with someone and that's it.  It's over.  Done.  No more.  I walk away and call it good.  I cry, get angry, go through the motions and emotions that follow a break up (watching chick flicks and crying into a box of tissues...think the new Reba Mcentire song 'Strange'...it's true to what most women do post-break-up)  But once it's over...it's over!!  The End!  I don't remain in contact.  I don't talk to them.  I don't IM them or keep them as friends on my social networking sites.  I just call it quits and after a few months stop thinking about them altogether.  I move on to new and greener grounds.  

So, why do men feel the need to hang on to the one's that got away if they have no real reason to?  If they have no kids and no ties to them financially...why hold on to them?  

Woops!  I got off track a bit.  I was talking about my friend.  Let's call him....K.  Now K is this sweet...somewhat annoying and lazy man but still sweet.  He's a good guy who in my opinion can do better than this evil horrible girl who broke up with him, broke his heart and tried to kill a 15 year friendship.  She was mean to him in plain site.  It was awful to watch.  But no one could do anything.  It was his battle.  So, she calls it off.  Is really mean to him.  He fell apart.  Saved the friendship.  And now he's right back to square one.  He remained friends with her.  A pattern he has.  Break up.  Fall apart.  Remain friends.  Bitch to friends about how he got burned but go and hang out with one of the exes the next night.  Makes no sense to me as I have previously stated.  Now, he's flirting with this wretched woman again.  She's digging her claws back in and he's falling for it.  He's flirting right back.  This is an example of sheer stupidity to me.  Why is it so hard to break up, fall apart, delete them off the friends list and move on with life?  Nothing says you have to remain mad at them.  Nothing says you have to be mean to them if you bump into them in public.  Nothing says that you can't be happy for them if they find someone new and you see them on the street.  Congratulate them for Christ's sake.  I don't care.  But is it really necessary to be friends with them and still hang out with them?? Ahhhh!!!  

I may never understand this topic.  I may never fully be able to grasp this strange ritual that a lot of men seem to have and worse...need!  It has made many relationships difficult for me.  I had one ex who spent more time with 4 of his exes than he did with me.  He had all these inside secrets and  stories that he would laugh and joke about with them while I'd be left sitting there confused and wondering what the Hell he saw in me if he was having loads more fun chilling with the exes.  He collects exes as though they are going out of style.  He had 9 exes on his friends list.  Most of which he hung out with regularly.  Did this bother me??  I'd be lying if I said it didn't.  It wasn't that I didn't trust him but it was more that I felt left out.  He had no time for me after a while.  I think I might be the one ex he is never going to be friends with.  It's not that I'm angry with him anymore.  I'm happy for him wherever he may be.  He was a good guy, but we were just too different.  But for me I don't need to collect my exes as though they are nic nacs or better yet trophies that need to be displayed upon a shelf as reminders of what once was and can never be again.  I know how to and need to let go when things are over.  To me the memories that were good can be collected and stored in a folder within my memory.  The bad memories get chucked.  And the men of my former dating life neatly set on the curb for some other woman to find and have as her own while I move on to someone else eventually too.  Exes just make things too complicated when trying to start life anew with someone else.  

But I kind of get the feeling that men collect exes and set them on that shelf  (the equivalent of a friends list on a social networking site) because they have more difficulty letting go than I ever thought possible.  Men claim to be strong and the tougher sex, but in the end they may actually be more emotionally unstable than women.  I mean there has to be some kind of psychological and emotional reason for men to cling to their past in the form of the female body, right?  Then again I could be wrong.  That's been known to happen.  Who knows.  

Well, anywho.  I'm going to end this ramble and rant on the many confusions of men.  As I've gotten older and listened to men and women alike griping over who is more complex.  Men say women.  Women say men.  I, personally believe more now than ever that we're equal in the confusions.  50/50 in complexity.  The topics of confusion may be different when it comes to men and women but the sexes are equally confusing.  Instead of arguing over this topic any further lets call a truce and accept that there is never going to be a full understanding of who, what, where, when and why things happen and why we do the things we do.  

Thanks for reading this...til next time.


~M~