QUIET Reflections...hehe

So, someone described me as quiet.  Of all things to describe as...quiet is certainly not one I hear very often.  Quirky, strange, loner, odd, weird, kind, loud, obnoxious, cocky, colorful, perky, optimistic, bubbly, hard-working, kind-of funny, opinionated, intelligent, blunt, slightly arrogant.  These are things that ring true when describing me.  But Quiet??  Not so much.  I mean of course I do get quiet on occasion...who doesn't?  I get quiet when I'm lost in thought.  I'm quiet when I'm pissed off at someone.  I'm quiet when I'm day-dreaming about a someone I should sooooo NOT be day dreaming about.  I get quiet when I'm alone.  (of course)  But quiet is not something any of my friends or family would describe me as.  

But...this person who used this term was someone who strictly knew me inside of a classroom.  So, to a certain degree I can understand their misconception of me.  Yes, OK this setting I'm quiet in until I really get comfortable with things.  Mostly though...I observe people.  Watch them.  Watch their faces when something is being said that might seem out of the ordinary.  Look at their clothes, shoes, hair-styles.  I try to observe everything.  I like to breathe everything in.  Most people are very predictable and they don't even know it.  9 times out of ten a person's personality is correct upon this type of quiet observation. This type of observation of people's predict abilities is how I remained an A student in public speaking during college in Bangor, ME.  

For me...I try very hard not to be predictable.  I don't want anyone to truly feel as though they know me just yet.  Of course the one exception to this is when I make friends or am in a relationship with someone...then it's only appropriate and respectful to allow people to get to know me and share my true self with them.  Otherwise I'd just be a horrible person and very disrespectful.  I do have my exceptions and limits.  But...for the most part...I like change.  I crave change.  I like things that upset the balance of my life.  I like learning new things.  I try very hard to present myself as anything but predictable. Maybe I've been too quiet in the classroom.  Or....maybe I've been just the correct amount of quiet.  This person said I was polite, nice, a pleasure to be around.  But the word that always catches me off guard is quiet.  People!!  Take a good hard look at the things I post on my FB page.  Read through my status messages.  This is the real me.  I like being daring.  I enjoy making some people cringe.  I like trying to push the edge of the envelope to the point of discomfort.  I enjoy the idea of making people wonder about me. I love that OMG!!! look of shock when a person see's me outside of a class or work setting.  I am very different when in the "real world" setting where I'm allowed to be myself.   I get to be myself outside the walls of a classroom setting.  I'm not politically correct.  I like being naughty.  I enjoy the sexual side of life.  And of course while I admit and acknowledge being seen by men as just that is not something I want nor desire as I am so much more than just that.  I also don't feel that I should be forced to change the way I view my sexuality.  I am more than this too.  I am smart and sexy and see no reason as to why I can't be both.  I'm confident with who I am and see no reason why this is wrong.  

So, those last statements are to acknowledge one of my previous blogs about how I want to be asked out for more than just sexual reasons.  I won't deny that this may seem like I'm contradicting what I said in that blog and to a certain degree that may be somewhat true but at the same time I still am more than just that sexual being and just because I exude a sexual confidence and leave naughty messages on my FB wall does not mean that this topic is all I care to talk about when chatting.  I still hold the right to be sexy and naughty but intelligent and brainy at the same time.  I see absolutely no reason as to why I should have to change that particular part of my personality.  I consider myself well rounded.  I'm emotional, for a couple 2-3 days out of the month I get moody, I'm a damn good mom to my son and always put him first, I'm an honor student, smart and open-minded.  I'm independent and have even made a fair share of mistakes some of which have left a huge impact on my life.  I'm not perfect.  Far from it.  But overall I'm a well rounded good person who strives for excellence in myself and my sexual confidence is just one minor part of me.  I'm happy with who I am and stand by that blog that asked/told any man who hits on me not to expect anything sexual from me.  I might post naughty messages and discuss these topics with my friends...friends who know all of my personality....but I'm so much more. And these friends know this about me.  These are the friends who also talk about politics, religion, books, writing, music, etc.  Sex is not the only topic that comes up.  I won't change that side of me.  I won't stop posting the naughty messages on my FB wall.  If you look closer at my profile you will see that there is a whole lot more to me.  Everything is there.  Clear as a sunny spring morning.  Written out so no one has to guess.  I'm open and honest and willing to answer anything you ask of me.  


OK, so I went off on a bit too long of a tangent and ramble but I figured it was only fair to acknowledge that this blog might slightly contradict that prior blog.  Continuing on with my point below...


There is another reason I try to be more of a quiet observer in this type of setting.  It's also because I want to learn everything I can about the subject to the best of my abilities.  I feel that someone (whether it be myself or the government through grants and loans) s paying for me to be sitting in that class and in that respect I want to take it somewhat seriously.  I want to make good use of every cent that is being paid for me to be sitting there.  I like to show the instructor some respect as well and if I choose to be myself (the more silly, shocking, naughty, sexually aggressive side) then I think this would be extremely disrespectful to not just the teacher but the class as a whole.  

More than anything I just wanted to get this curious discovery spoken about me out in the open.  It came across as befuddling and funny to me.  I'm not really quiet.  I'm actually the total opposite in person.  Truth be told I would actually like to get to know this person outside of the classroom as well.  They are a very attractive, interesting person who seems to have a lot of knowledge beyond the subjects being studied.  And it wouldn't kill them to discover the many sides of Mell either.  I'd like to think that I'm a lot of fun to be around and that I can enhance anyone's life hehehe.  :p

Til next time!!

~M~

Why do men......

Stay in touch with every single girl they once dated??  I've dated enough men to notice a pattern.  Most of these men have remained friends with practically every ex-girlfriend or woman they have dated throughout their life.  Why??  Why must men continue to be friends with exes??  I'm baffled by this.  

I've been watching one of my friends...a very sweet guy...someone who is guilty of this odd type of relationship thingy.  He is literally friends with every single chick he has ever dated.  And now I'm watching him on Facebook every day as he continues to flirt and chat and tehehe with a girl that just dumped him and almost ruined his lifelong friendship with his best mate of like 15 years.  Seriously??  Is it some kind of 'I don't wanna let go" issue.  Is it psychological??  Cuz it makes absolutely no sense to me.  And yes, to those who may be thinking "Well chicks are guilty of this too."  I am fully aware that some chicks remain friends with exes but it still doesn't make it any easier to understand.  I dump a guy or break up with someone and that's it.  It's over.  Done.  No more.  I walk away and call it good.  I cry, get angry, go through the motions and emotions that follow a break up (watching chick flicks and crying into a box of tissues...think the new Reba Mcentire song 'Strange'...it's true to what most women do post-break-up)  But once it's over...it's over!!  The End!  I don't remain in contact.  I don't talk to them.  I don't IM them or keep them as friends on my social networking sites.  I just call it quits and after a few months stop thinking about them altogether.  I move on to new and greener grounds.  

So, why do men feel the need to hang on to the one's that got away if they have no real reason to?  If they have no kids and no ties to them financially...why hold on to them?  

Woops!  I got off track a bit.  I was talking about my friend.  Let's call him....K.  Now K is this sweet...somewhat annoying and lazy man but still sweet.  He's a good guy who in my opinion can do better than this evil horrible girl who broke up with him, broke his heart and tried to kill a 15 year friendship.  She was mean to him in plain site.  It was awful to watch.  But no one could do anything.  It was his battle.  So, she calls it off.  Is really mean to him.  He fell apart.  Saved the friendship.  And now he's right back to square one.  He remained friends with her.  A pattern he has.  Break up.  Fall apart.  Remain friends.  Bitch to friends about how he got burned but go and hang out with one of the exes the next night.  Makes no sense to me as I have previously stated.  Now, he's flirting with this wretched woman again.  She's digging her claws back in and he's falling for it.  He's flirting right back.  This is an example of sheer stupidity to me.  Why is it so hard to break up, fall apart, delete them off the friends list and move on with life?  Nothing says you have to remain mad at them.  Nothing says you have to be mean to them if you bump into them in public.  Nothing says that you can't be happy for them if they find someone new and you see them on the street.  Congratulate them for Christ's sake.  I don't care.  But is it really necessary to be friends with them and still hang out with them?? Ahhhh!!!  

I may never understand this topic.  I may never fully be able to grasp this strange ritual that a lot of men seem to have and worse...need!  It has made many relationships difficult for me.  I had one ex who spent more time with 4 of his exes than he did with me.  He had all these inside secrets and  stories that he would laugh and joke about with them while I'd be left sitting there confused and wondering what the Hell he saw in me if he was having loads more fun chilling with the exes.  He collects exes as though they are going out of style.  He had 9 exes on his friends list.  Most of which he hung out with regularly.  Did this bother me??  I'd be lying if I said it didn't.  It wasn't that I didn't trust him but it was more that I felt left out.  He had no time for me after a while.  I think I might be the one ex he is never going to be friends with.  It's not that I'm angry with him anymore.  I'm happy for him wherever he may be.  He was a good guy, but we were just too different.  But for me I don't need to collect my exes as though they are nic nacs or better yet trophies that need to be displayed upon a shelf as reminders of what once was and can never be again.  I know how to and need to let go when things are over.  To me the memories that were good can be collected and stored in a folder within my memory.  The bad memories get chucked.  And the men of my former dating life neatly set on the curb for some other woman to find and have as her own while I move on to someone else eventually too.  Exes just make things too complicated when trying to start life anew with someone else.  

But I kind of get the feeling that men collect exes and set them on that shelf  (the equivalent of a friends list on a social networking site) because they have more difficulty letting go than I ever thought possible.  Men claim to be strong and the tougher sex, but in the end they may actually be more emotionally unstable than women.  I mean there has to be some kind of psychological and emotional reason for men to cling to their past in the form of the female body, right?  Then again I could be wrong.  That's been known to happen.  Who knows.  

Well, anywho.  I'm going to end this ramble and rant on the many confusions of men.  As I've gotten older and listened to men and women alike griping over who is more complex.  Men say women.  Women say men.  I, personally believe more now than ever that we're equal in the confusions.  50/50 in complexity.  The topics of confusion may be different when it comes to men and women but the sexes are equally confusing.  Instead of arguing over this topic any further lets call a truce and accept that there is never going to be a full understanding of who, what, where, when and why things happen and why we do the things we do.  

Thanks for reading this...til next time.


~M~

I'm...............

So tired of being hit on!!!!  Didn't see that one coming did ya now??  I've finally losing it when it comes to this!!  These 2 men have hit on me for the last time!!!  Let's start this ramble!!  

Be warned before reading any further that you may learn a few things about me ya might not wanna know depending on how we know each other...

I'll be the first to admit that I want to be in a relationship but not for the reasons that I keep getting hit on for.  The men that hit on me are some from my past.  Back in Maine I wasn't so proper.  I'll admit that I was sexually confident.  I used to come home from one date change my clothes and go out on another.  I had different dates every night of the week.  No, I didn't sleep with all of them.  That's just ridiculous and gross.  I just simply went out with most of them.  Ya know...glow bowling, dinner, a movie here and there.  And yeah of course I did sleep with some of them.  I'm human...I have needs/wants too.  I have done the whole one night stand thing.  But that's all in my past.  Done!!!  Over!!!  Fine'!!!!!  Nothing I want to do again. Do I miss sex??  Oh Hell yes!!!!  I'll be the first to admit that.  (Ideally, if I could have my way...I'd have sex every day for the rest of my life when in a relationship...once again I reiterate that this is simply an "ideal" fantasy I have...most men are unable to keep up with my sexually)  Think of me as the epitome of that phrase "It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."  

But.....I do not want to be the way I once was.  I'm willing to wait this time.  My number isn't that high.  I've been told that despite what I might think about my number it's actually really low for this day in age.  So, I'll believe my friends when they tell me this.  

Moving on to the reason for this blog.  Evey day I get hit on by somewhere between 1 and 3 men.  Some of these are men who have been pursuing me for months and 2 have been attempting to "score" me for years.  I become single again and it's like a neon sign goes up somewhere in the world that says 'Mell is single again pursue her until she caves!!"  Now, while I may be known to have a healthy sexual appetite courtesy of rumors that may have been circulated years ago about me by some idiot who decided to brag about the conquer of Mell.  I'm not that girl anymore!!!  I haven't been in years.  I was 24!!  That was 3 years ago.  And I'm also known for declining guys in droves as well.  I'm picky.  I'm selective.  All it takes is one nasty habit or stupid comment for me to say N.O.!!!!  

So, some of these men continue to hit one me.  They start off all sweet and kind.  They say really nice things to me and of course I fall for it.  Then they turn the subject to that nasty little 3 letter word.  S.E.X.  I get so fed up with this!  Why bother being nice at all if they are just going to turn into horny boys?  I've done everything from delete them off my friends list, delete them off my IM lists, change email addresses, tell them a flat out NO they don't have a chance in Hell of being with me.   I've told them that while I used to be a little "easier" that I'm no longer like that.  I'm a mom for God's sake!!  I am a woman who supports herself and her child.  I pay my own bills, do my own grocery shopping and while I miss being in a relationship and of course miss sex a lot some days I also have this wonderfully rare thing called will power that allows me to be picky and choosy and resist such immature suggestions.  I'm tired of men remembering the way I was years ago.  Come one people!!  I've grown up in 3 years...why can't all of you??  Just act more like adults!!  Be polite and don't bring up my past even if you know it well.  I'm no longer the same girl I was 3 years ago.  When I tell you this clean your ears, put on some glasses and listen to what I'm saying!!!!   Stop hitting on me unless you want more than sex!!  You'd eventually get it I can guarantee that...maybe not til the second or third date (haha j/k)  But you must make it past the first date!  I'm a mom first and foremost and I don't give a shit how many ways you say we can get around my son finding out what we're doing I'm not gonna sleep with you!!  I will kick you to the curb for saying these things!!  My apartment will not have a revolving door of men!  My son will not be exposed to such reckless, immature, irresponsible ways of life!!  I realize that the man I date eventually may not be 'the one', I also know that it may take a few tries to get to that long-lasting relationship, but that's why this time I'm taking my time with dating.  I'm going to use every strength of will I have to maintain in control until I have gotten to know the guy enough before I sleep with him.  I just want men to stop remembering what used to be and see me for what and who I am now.  Maybe they'd get a date with me once in a while if they saw things this way.

So, my goal is no longer moving back to Maine. It's still an option but I'm also looking into employment and apartments in other states.  My top 5 are Florida, California, Montana, Maryland and Utah.  Try not to laugh to hard at my list but I have my reasons for each.  I just want to start over.  In Vermont people remember the fat girl who was depressed and always down on herself...or I'm Alberta's niece, Carol's niece or Emily's daughter.  In Maine I'm remembered for that mysteriously sexy and overly-confident woman who all the men want.  I just want a fresh start away from these 2 parts of my life.  I made a fair share of mistakes.  Tell me someone who hasn't.  But I want my own identity.  I want people to stop seeing the girl and woman I once was and see me for the woman I am now.  I'm a damn good mom who would fight to the death for my son.  I'm a really hard worker at both school and work.  I'm talented when it comes to the arts, music and theater.  I'm simply me.  I am tired of being seen for what I was.  While both those persona's are parts of my life neither are who I am now.  Even my family only sees the girl I used to be back before I left Vermont 7 and a half years ago.  Maybe moving again will allow me to have both of those girls on my own memory, share them with who I see fit to share them with and gain a new self-identity and start down a new path with no one labeling me "the depressed, fat girl" or "the sexually confident, easy score."  

Who knows!!  Anything is possible.  Just have to keep my chin up and keep going forward.  

Thanks for allowing me to rant and share this with whomever chooses to read it.  

Til next time! 

~M~

Here we go! Here we go! Here we go now!

Obie Kabie.  So, tonight is gonna be a little bit different than usual.  No annoyances.  No irritations.  No hypothetical soap box rants and rambles.  Just a blog about the year.  The events both good and bad.  A reminiscence of sorts. I'm doing this now because I have a lot to say and don't care to wait. Plus, the year is going to end in a matter of a few weeks. 

2009.  An interesting year.  2009 had a rocky start that should have told me exactly how this year was going to go, but alas I was my overly-optimistic self and shrugged it off as just a strange set of events.  I usually don't believe in that kind of thing.  Ya know that 'this has to mean something' kind of thing.  Instead I just pushed ahead and looked forward to 2009.  After all life wasn't that bad.  I was going into the year with my dream job.  A job I had wanted since I was 6 years old.  I was working for the man who had inspired me to go into radio in the first place.  That was a good start.  And the most important thing that I was heading into 2009 with was my handsome little boy, Cameron.  The most important person in my life.  My universe. 

But.....

I should have gone with my gut and first instinct and realized that New Years Eve at 11:39 PM's event did mean something and was the start for what was to come in 2009.  

Here we go...the 2009 recap starting with that fateful event that happened at 11:39 PM December 31, 2008.  

Lemme give you a little background first.  I had reconnected with an old friend.  Someone I had known since the 3rd grade.  She and I had been best friends from 3rd grade right on up to freshman year of high school when we lost contact.  We found each other again in August 2009 when we both were going through court battles over our kids.  Mine a lot easier than hers I later discovered.  We started hanging out and getting to know each other all over again and I decided that it would be a great idea to spend New Years Eve together at First Night.  So, I bought the buttons for all of us as a gift and treat for her and her 3 kids.   Toward the end Cammie was getting fussy and her kids were becoming awful to deal with.  They were disobedient, uncontrollable and throwing some pretty severe and very embarrassing tantrums at Fuller Hall.  So, we were asked to leave because of them and made our way back to the van and came home.  She called me just after she got home and we had a few words of disagreement and that was that.  Years of childhood friendship and months of attempting to reconnect gone because of our different parenting styles.  What had in essence brought us back together (our kids) was what inevitably tore us apart.  I knew we were not meant to be friends but absentmindedly shrugged these feelings aside and decided it was all in my head.  I decided to be optimistic and continue trying despite how different we both had become in the 11 years we had been separated from each other.  (one would think that after what happened to me back in 2004 with my ex-husband I would start listening to my gut feelings and not just shrug them off right?? hahaha)  This friend had been through so much crap that had derailed her.  The scariest thing though was that some of the things she had been through I had also been through...just at different stages of our lives. We had both been victims of domestic abuse and rape.  We had both been used and tossed away by men and we both had difficult relationships with one parent or another at one point or another.  We had simply chosen to handle these situations differently.  She had chosen alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and one awful, abusive relationship after another to deal with her issues and I had chosen to fight head on and not let anything keep me down.  After being raped and abused by my ex-husband I sought counseling and took a woman's self defense class as well as kick boxing to help me deal with the anger and aggression I was feeling toward him.  I chose to deal with the parental issues by facing the problems head on and forgiving instead of holding onto the anger and harsh feelings.  She also gave up all of her dreams and goals.  I chose to pursue them.  Even when they didn't pan out the way I had hoped or visioned they would I still kept trying and in the meantime setting new goals and dreams for myself.  She gave up and tossed in the towel and I refuse (even now) to give up and allow anything to hold me back or keep me down.  

11:39 PM on December 31, 2008 our friendship came to an end officially.  I set the phone back on the receiver and decided that being friends with her was no longer an option.   I sat down in my recliner, rocked Cammie to sleep, put on my comfy, oversize pj's and turned on the TV to watch the ball drop from Time's Square.  I shrugged off the feeling that was festering in my gut.  It kept telling me that something wasn't right.  I just assumed that it was due to the confrontation I had just had a few minutes earlier.  I called my baby brother and talked to him about it and worked through the emotions.  

Then the ball dropped and I went to bed.  I cried and then fell into a deep dreamless sleep still hopeful that 2009 was gonna be awesome.  

That feeling ended 2 days into 2009 2 days before I was supposed to go back to work at the best job in the world.  Being a disc jockey at WGMT Magic 97.7 FM.  I decided to go to Vermontmornings.com and read the latest article by Todd Wellington.  Much to my shock and horror it was a goodbye to his fans and listeners.  After 7 years as a morning co-host he was being let go due to the bad economy and low advertising.  I then heard about Greg/Josh at KIX 105.5 FM (the local country station) who had been let go as well after 3 years there.  I knew it was inevitable.  My job was next on the chopping block.  So, I emailed my boss and inspiration Steve Nichols and asked when I was to do my last on air broadcast.  He emailed me back that next morning and said that he was sorry to tell me this but I had already done my last shift.  I was being let go immediately.  He would have my paycheck mailed to me.  I believe him when he said that he did everything he could to keep his jocks but in the end it wasn't enough.  Once again I tried to remain optimistic and keep my chin up.  I sent him back an email immediately that told him I would be A-OK and that I was appreciative for his hiring me.  That he had made my childhood dreams come true when he did so.  I also told him that he hadn't seen nor heard the last of me.  I was fighter and this wasn't gonna keep me down.  

Then a week later January 12, 2009 everything seemed as though the year was going to be a great year cuz my baby boy took his first steps.  9 months, 5 days old and he walked 11 steps across the living room of our tiny apartment.  I was ecstatic.  I had been able to see his first official steps.  I then had hope.  I continued on with my job hunting.  I filled out application after application after application and sent out resume after resume after resume and called employer after potential employer after employer only to keep being told the same damn things.  "We're not busy enough."  "We went with someone else more qualified."  "We aren't looking for anyone new right now but we'll keep your application on file and call if we need someone."   or lame excuses that were the equivalent of being told that I was "over-qualified"  Months of interview after hopeful interview and still nothing.  Then April came around and everything seemed right with the world.  My handsome baby boy turned 1 on April 7th and the party went off without a hitch.  He had a blast with all of his family surrounding him.  Cammie kept my mind off most things during the day but at night it was a different story.

The downs of 2009.  I went through some pretty bad days that no one ever saw.  I kept my negative feelings to myself for the most part.  I cried in the solace of apartment where no one but my cats could hear or see me.  I wept silently into my pillow night after night after night feeling more and more lonely.  Cameron would go to bed and I would feel that lonely aching sadness creep over me again and again.  It hurt so much some nights that all I did was cry and think about how much I wanted to be with someone on nights like that.  This went on for months.  Most of May into late September.  I was/still am unemployed, (technically unemployed), alone and feeling like nothing was ever going to get better. During the day I was bubbly, happy, optimistic to my friends and family and fellow volunteers at the hospital.  I was Mell.  This intelligent, bubbly wonderfully hardworking woman.  No one ever truly saw the other side of me.  I kept her well hidden.  My shrouds of tears and sorrowful nights were mine and mine alone. I spent much of my summer hiding my reddened tear stained eyes from the public.  I was embarrassed to let people know that I could be so weak and lonely.  I wasn't supposed to be that way.  After all people counted on me to keep them up and feeling positive.  

Then in August (anyone sensing a pattern here about turning point months in my life?)  August 29th to be exact after months of flirting and years of being friends with this man I knew from college in Maine we got together in person to see of we could and should be anything more than friends.  We got together to find out if we had chemistry beyond friendship.  We both had some feelings that had grown for one another over the last 5 months and now we were going to act on them.  He came here to Vermont and we got together and hung out by the end of the weekend I was heartbroken and feeling like a take and toss Tupper-ware container.  He got what he wanted and never spoke to me again.  Instead he pursued someone else and left me in the dirt. (we did manage to save our friendship which is now a bit more strained than before but at least it did get salvaged)  But because of this weekend it proved to me that I was still desirable and men could still want me and after that next batch of tears and self-pity cleared (took about 2 weeks)  I moved forward again plotting my next course of action.  I started planning a move.  A move back to Maine to be with my friends who I had started to miss more than anything in the world over the last year.  I was feeling confident and happy and positive that things were going to work out for Cammie and me.  So, I started calling places in Portland, Maine about apartments and jobs and started planning the next steps.  Now, I'm just waiting patiently for an apartment to become available.  I have faith again.  

Then things (signs of a good year to come) started popping up all over the place for my entire family).

1.  My friend Jeni who I had been looking for since freshman year of high school when we were no longer allowed to be friends (because I was a different religion than her)  found me on Facebook.  Turns out she had been looking for me too. 

2.  My mom and future step-dad got approved to start planning their wedding officially.        

     *They also started to talk through the issues that my mom had been withholding from him and the issues that had been causing fights between me and my mom over the last few months (look to previous post for that story)

                        

3.  My baby brother started hanging out with a young lady friend who he has taken a serious interest in.  He's very happy and has a friend who needs him as much as he needs her.  Very sweet actually.

4.  My Aunt Birdie who lost her job shortly after I did is the happiest anyone has ever seen her.  She's losing weight and more relaxed and is even thinking about going to CCV to take some classes and maybe even get a degree.  (I'm uber-duber proud of her)  

Those are the things and events that are giving me hope that maybe next year all is going to be OK.  I'm also feeling more optimistic that a man or some kind of relationship is in the cards for me too.  I keep sitting here at night feeling so very happy for my friends and family but I still feel somewhat blue at times when I realize that my family isn't coming over nearly as often because they all have someone.  My brother has Amanda.  My mom has Norman.  My Aunt Carol has Larry and my Aunt Birdie has her friend's Dee and Sandy.  I have my school work and work when they need me and most importantly I have my son.  But despite all of that there is still a feeling that something is missing.

But because of all the good fortune my friends and family have seen to end the year I have faith and hope that maybe next year will be great.

So, my new years resolution is going to be fairly simple.  It's to keep my chin up and continue moving forward.  I may have had 23 job declinations in 2009, a broken friendship and a broken heart but I believe with all my heart and soul that there is always bad before the good hits.  Things always, always get worse before they get better.  8-)

So, there you have it.  2009 in a nutshell.  The good.  The bad.  The happy and finally the sad.  

Here's to 2010 and the good things that lie ahead for all of us.  

Til next time!!  

~M~

Wicked!!!

Tonight you get no rant, no ramble and no annoyed topics.  Tonight you simply get the lyrics to a song that is not only a kick ass song to listen to from a kick ass play on Broadway that people should totally see and a book that is really, really cool that the play is based on but fits my mood beautifully as well.  

Enjoy all!!  Here are the lyrics to Wicked: The Musical's 

 Defying Gravity

GLINDA:(spoken)

 Elphaba - why couldn't you have stayed calm for
Once, instead of flying off the handle!
(sung) I hope you're happy!
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you're clever!

ELPHABA
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy, too
I hope you're proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

BOTH
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy right now

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it
Anymore:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Glinda -
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem:

BOTH
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

ELPHABA
They'll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this

ELPHABA
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend:

ELPHABA So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA
I hope you're happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she's wicked!
Get her!

ELPHABA
:Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we've got to bring her

ELPHABA
Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Down!

Read the book!  See the play!!  Listen to the soundtrack!!!  All are equally AMAZING!!!!!  (This is my opinion)  :-)

Til Next time!!!  :-)

My Generation and other BS excuses....

Ok, so I'm just gonna jump right in and start on this rant.  No pretty little blurb referring to my hypothetical soapbox. 

My mother is finally able to start planning her wedding to a man she has known since grade school and has been dating since 2005.  She's been engaged to him since 2007 and they have (after 2 years of waiting) been able to set the official wedding date.  It's set for July 17, 2010.  My issue is not the actual wedding or the date but how she's handling everything.  Grrrr!!!  She makes me so fricken mad sometimes.  

My mother is doing everything for him.  He's Catholic and refused to budge on how they were married.  So, despite my mother not being Catholic and standing strong on her unwillingness to changer her religion for him (which I was actually proud of her for doing)  she still went along with what HE wanted and went through the Catholic church to have her marriage/divorce from my dad (back in 1990) annulled.  Because HE wanted it done she went along and did it.  Then they never discussed the ceremony because HE wanted to wait and see what happened with the annulment through the church,  She even admitted to me that he was adamant about not getting married any other way and that HE didn't want to discuss it until they heard from the church.  So, are we seeing a pattern here??  It's all about him so far.  My mother lives in a world of delusion that she can have a beautiful, fancy, classy wedding better than her first.  Tonight I'm even more concerned because of something that she said when I confronted her on  the phone about this whole thing.  She said (and I quote)  "I don't even know what I want cuz I haven't had any time to think about the wedding and I won't until I go down to NH this week and discuss details with HIM."  Umm hello???  Anyone else seeing major issues with this statement??  I want to be happy for my mom fully.  I want her to be happy because I know she deserves it, but I am worried about her.  She's giving up everything and moving down to his home.  She's giving up her furniture cuz he wants to use his own.  She's giving up her job and living in a lovely little fantasy that she will be able to get a job in NH w/out problems.  She's giving up her life to live his and this worries me.  

But that's the number two frustration.  She says that I have no reason to worry about her and that she doesn't understand why I'm so worried.  That she's able to handle her own and she knows what she's doing.  HE loves and will take care of her.  Um??  Ok??  I realize that I'm the daughter and she's my mother but I do worry about her because she is my mother and I do love her and care for her.  She keeps telling me that she isn't even sure that this wedding will work out and thats why shes taking her time planning it.  She says that I stress her out.  she says that she gets headaches when WE discuss this.  She seems to think that my way of thinking is because I'm part of this "modern generation" and we as a generation think differently than her generation.  Grrrr!!!!  Seriously??  She wants to go there??  Ok, lets go there.  It will be like bashing my head into a brick wall but let's go there.  I don't buy into this Bullshit excuse for a lack of the ability to think for oneself but lets go there.  After all my mother and I have NEVER seen eye to eye on anything why break tradition now??  Right? 

The "I'm from a different generation" excuse doesn't fly with me.  I don't care what generation a person is a part of to me that is strictly an excuse for the inability to think for yourself.  Complete and total bullshit!!!! Yes, I'll acknowledge that there are cliche resemblances and similarities that statistics have shown are unique to each generation and that there are similarities that we all seem to share in one way or another than vary from generation to generation but no one should be allowed to use this as an excuse for the lack of responsibility we should place upon ourselves.  Don't go telling me that the reason that we are so different is because we come from different ways of thinking caused by being from "different generations"  Forgive me if I find this a complete and total bullshit excuse!!  I do love my mom but I'm most certainly not going to allow "my generation" and there ways of thinking control how I as a person think and make decisions.  I'm my own person with a brain that functions in my own head and perfectly capable of making decision that go against my generations ways of thinking!!  

My mother believes that her generation always made sure that the man had equal say and that HE was always involved in wedding planning.  Funny but I thought that women had fought to get way from that and now I have a mother than wants to bring that all back.  Yes, women now-a-days have a more independent and self-sufficient way of taking charge, planning and owning our own rights to make decisions without a lot of help from man.  Jesus Christ!!  Pick up a God Damn history book and take a look at who and what generation fought to give us these rights.  Last time I checked it was my grandmothers generation who started fighting and my mother's generation who resumed it and essentially helped win  us these rights.  I keep wondering what my grandmother would say if she were still alive and heard what my mom was saying about how HE wants it this way and He wants her to do this and how she needs to be this and give up that because He says its so.  But then again I think back to the fact that my mom and grandmother were total opposites too.  I've been told by numerous people who knew my grandmother than I've got her spirit and her spunk and her fiesty fighting attitude.  My grandmother never, ever allowed my grandfather to control her and boy did he try.  She was this amazing and beautiful free spirit who left England in 1946 as a war bride and came to an unknown country fleeing her family.  I guess I have more respect for her because she always maintained her own ideals and control even when married to that SOB of a grandfather of mine.  My mother is more like my grandfather in some respects.  She is set in her ways and absolutely refuses to budge.  She claimed that she is too old to change and she sees no reason to.  

The last thing that bugs me about this whole situation is that she seems so ashamed of her background and her family.  My brother and I included.  She never comes right out and says it but she absolutely refuses to acknowledge her upbringing claiming that it embarrasses her.  She hates it when I tell people the truth.  She hates it when I bring up her childhood and my own at times.  To me I see things differently.  (something she attributes to her good old stand by that my generation is different than hers) I see my upbringing in a single parent household in a trailer park born to a janitor/veteran father and factory working mother as something to be proud of.  I know that my parents did the best that they could and that's nothing to be ashamed of.  I had food to eat, clothes to wear and keep me warm, and we had a roof over our heads.  My past is a part of why I am who I am today and there is no shame in it.  My mother doesn't see it that way.  She can only see the material parts of.  The outhouse in the woods.  The lack of heat and rickety old steps.  My mother can't see past the things that you could see and look past this to see the things that were important.  Like 2 parents that tried there hardest to make sure their 3 daughters had the same things that she and daddy tried to give me and my brother.  It was just a different format.  She refuses to see anything but what it is.  I never understood any of this and therefore to this day we fight the same battle every few months.  I can see my mother's happiness and that HE has made her smile and for that I am grateful cuz she was miserable and sad and lonely for most of my childhood.  But I can also hear the things she says and how she phrases them and this is what concerns me.  She is relinquishing all her own control and her own ways of thinking because she wants to be loves so badly and he gives her gifts that she has always wanted.  See, I grew up knowing that I wasn't the daughter my mom wanted.  I was outspoken, independent, and broke free of the apron strings very young and this always bothered her.  I started developing my own ways of thinking instead of simply believing what I was told.  I didn't have the manners she wanted me to have and I never truly needed her for much.  Now I'm very aware of how different we are and it seems to be showing more and more as this wedding approaches.   I'm not new to this whole second marriage and step parent thing.  I have a great step mom and step siblings already.  For the past 18 years my dad has been married.  He just did things differently.  He brought my brother and I and my step-siblings into it early.  He wanted all of us to get acclimated before the big day because he knew it was a big step for all of us.  He has never ever separated the two families.  Every year he and my step moms family celebrated holidays as one not two divided.  This is something that I respect about my dad.  I love him more for this.  

But...

My mom has never introduced my brother and I to HIS family.  We know nothing about them.  We're being tossed into this blindfolded on the day of her wedding.  She knows that HE isn't a big fan of kids and doesn't really want to be a grandfather and yet he kind of will be.  I have a beautiful little boy and we're a packaged deal.  My son comes alone with me.  My mother has never even told HIM that HIS future stepson is gay.  Yes, my baby brother is gay and to me this is a really cool thing.  I'm proud of my baby brother but to my mom it's an off limits topic that she has time and time again said has nothing to do with HIM.  She keeps telling me that it doesn't matter.  Well, I hate to say this but it does.  Yes, my brother and I are adults now but we're still HER kids and her family.  What does she expect us to do say "ok mom you're married now have a nice life, see ya on the other side when we get there."???  I mean to me yeah!!  this does involve HIM and it does concern HIM and THEM.  We (her kids) are not going to drop out of her life just because she's married to a homophobic Catholic!!  We're her kids for goodness sakes!!  She and she alone technically made the choice to bring us into this world and her life and whether she likes it or not she's stuck with us for life.  I personally have no intention of dropping out of her life just because she's marrying HIM.  I'm her daughter and I have her only grandson and I do plan on seeing her even after she's married to HIM.  Just because we fight and don't agree on practically anhything doesn't mean I don't love her.  I DO love her a lot!!!  For God's sake she's my mother!!  Jeez!!  But I also don't think it's fair to my baby brother that he be asked to hide who he is!  That's just not cool!!  He is who he is and if HE can't accept that then he can go to Hell!!  I want to like him and I want my mom to be happy but she's driving my nutty with her bullshit excuses and her casual attitude toward all this...especially when it comes to her family. 

This family may drive each other nuts and be a bit maddening at times but show me one family in this world that isn't like that in some way, shape or form.  To my knowledge there is really no perfect family in this world!!  That's just how it is!!  I love my family regardless of how they and that includes myself act.  I've decided that things might never change and she and I will always be battling over something that we can't see eye to eye on but that's what mothers and daughters do.  

So, I really hope that in the end my mother will just accept who she is and see that all is right with the world for us.   I hope that this wedding/marriage will work out and over the next few months things get better because I do love my mom and want her to be happy.  I hope that this guy can make ger happy and that I'm wrong about him because my mom does deserve to be happy and loved.  Everyone does.  

Thank you for allowing me to ramble and vent once again.  Till next time and thanks again for reading this **hugs** to all of you!!  :-)

MLW

I do love my mom

The Kindle.

So, here I go again.  This time my rant is on soemthing apauling.  Something that is also making me a little sad.  Something that to me is an unnecessary item in todays culture.  Here we go again....my soap box has been placed on the floor and my feet are now up on it.

Tonights subject....The Kindle.  

For those of you who have no clue what the Kindle is here is an explanation.  The Kindle is a demon device designed to allow the lazy people of the world as well as the modern people who live for the "conveniences" of todays society so they don't have to slow down for the worl the ability to read books.  This is a flat screened, palm size piece of equipment that allows "modern day" people to go to sites like Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com,  choose a book, pay for it via credit card, and low and behold within minutes it's transfered to this little piece of devilwear.  No mobility required.  No using your brain to choose a title.  No excersizing your arm muscles to pull it off a shelf.  No brain activity required.  A simple and thoughtless process for those people who have conformed to a society of technological innovations designed to keep us moving faster than the speed of light.  I hate this damn piece of equipment.  When did we get so lazy??

The reason I have chosen to write this blog on yet another of society's "make life easier" items is because someone (who shall remain nameless to protect them from anymore scutiny from the rare "others" who think like me) asked for one for Christmas.  This person is smart and so much better than this.  Her explanation for wanting one was that her life was just too crazy and she wanted to read a book but had no time to get to a bookstore to find one.  This piece of technology she said would give her the ability to read again.  OMG!!!!!!!!  Seriously!!!  Take a look a that last statment and her explanation.  There's my point exactly!!!  SLOW DOWN PEOPLE!!!! Take a minute and breathe!!  Breathe in the beautiful aromas of leather bound vintage books, breathe in the scents of the way life used to be before we (the human race) needed and just had to have everything faster and on the go.  

Bookstores are a fantastic place.  A place where magic happens.  A place where dreams can become realities if even for a few hundred pages.  A place where weddings can be planned and dresses can be made and art can come alive with the flips of a few pages.  A place where smells of the old and new combine into this musty and rustic fragrance of days gone by and days yet to come.  A place where history and the past meet the present and the future.  A place of wonder for both the young and the old.   When did we stop loving this??  To me the smells of a bookstore are timeless.  A place where the fast-pace world outside disapears and everything slows to a kings and queens style waltz.  I'm not talking about a huge corporate bookstore like Barnes and Noble where modern conveniences combine with modern day books.  I'm talking about that fabulous place where bookshelves are unfinished and theres a rustic appeal where old books and new books lie side by side on floors and shelves.  Where layers and layers of books line walls.  Where the colors are simple and basic.  Where there's always that semi-damp feel in the air but never enough to put you out.  Where the chairs face the sidewalks and cars go by.  Where cats sit in windows and purr at customers ankles while they peruse the aisles and tables of vintage and antique books.  Ya know!  That beautiful little hole in the wall, shop around the corner, small, family owned bookstore where every sense a human being has is brought to life.  There's no glitz.  No glamour.  No coffee shop and no singers.  Just the simplicity and quiet of a tiny little shop.  Usually these places have a string of jingly bells on their doors to let them know they have customers and the employees are friendly heart-shape faced happy people that have greyish hair and always seem happy to see you.  

When  did this type of wonderful experience get replaced with the "convenience" of online ordering and in a flash it there type of shopping??  If you can't find an hour (hopefully longer...an hour never cuts it when I'm books shopping)  to go out and look in a bookstore then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your life.  Cuz you're a heart attack waiting to happen if your life is that crazy.  People!!!  There is always time to go out and shop for a new book to read.  Make time!!  Books are wonderful peices of a person's imagination.  Better than any TV show and there is always somethint for everyone.  

I've said it before and now I'm gonna say it again.  It's ok to slow down and fall behind a bit.  Dare to be different people.  Dare to go without a cell phone.  Dare to go a day without internet.  Dare to go back to the old ways of living.  Take it from someone who has done this...it's truly a wonderful, mind blowing experiemce.  Go sit on your lawn or on a beach somewhere and open the pages of a book and allow your mind to wander aimlessly.  It's a truly life-altering experience.  

BTW...There is this truly wonderful and absolutely amazing bookstore in Lyndonville, VT where all those features I described in an ideal bookstore come alive called Green Mountain Books!!

Thank you once again for reading yet another ramble and rant.

Til next time!!  8-)

Business and the Gaggle of Gigglers.

Ok boys and girls...here I go again.   Another frustration is up for discussion.  Another annoyance is about to be placed in front of all of your pretty little blues, hazels and borwns.  My soap box is being puled from the top shelf of my closet and placed on the floor and I'm about to take that step up onto it.  

Here goes!!

Tonight I'm annoyed with the complete and total lack of respect for people in my class.  There are these girls in my Intro to Business class (they are also in my Tuesday night history class as well...they don't act nearly as disrespectful in that class though)  we'll call these young women the Gaggle of Gigglers...hence the title of this blog.  I'm completely annoyed this evening.  We had our business plan reviews tonight.  We were given the chance to sit one on one with out teacher and go over the progress on our business plans and ask any questions we might have about them.  This business plan is our final project.  Our final exam essentially.  We had our reviews before the actual lesson.  Things went rather well during the reviews.  The class chit chatted and talked about random topics while one by one we sauntered down the hall to greet and meet with Mr. Fucci.  The lesson started directly following the reviews.  Now, I take my course work and classes seriosuly.  I'm 27 years old.  I'm an adult.  To me these classes are important.  I get an assignment and I go home and immediately start it...especially if it's something as extensive as this business plan.  So, when I'm sitting in a class with a teacher teaching us the lessons this to me is a huge deal.  Well, this gaggle of girls was completely disrespectful to not only the teacher but to the other students.  One of these young women brought a lap top into class.  Now this is fine if the student is using it to take notes because they just don't feel like writing everything that the teacher says down.  That's an appropriate use of a lap top in a class room setting.  I can even understand her bringing it to do research for her business plan while the reviews were taking place.  But for this student (or students as it turned into by the end of the lesson) to be using it for what they were using for in a class setting was highly inappropriate and disrespectful.  These girls were googling the teachers home and looking up information on some boy.  That to me is inexcusable.  I was about to lose my cool.  I smiled and tried to concentrate through the lesson but by the time I walked outta the classroom I was fuming.  I'm paying good money to be istting in that classrom every Wednesday and would like to be able to learn something about the topics being taught without these immature women interupting.  

Am I guilty of saying random things without thinking?  Yes, of course.  I'm also willing to admit that I'm guilty of laughing at these girls in the classroom when they have said random and funny things.  Most of which have little or nothing to do with the lessons being taught.  I'll admit that these young women are a funny group.  I'll also admit that I myself am guilty of giving TMI.  I also leave the classroom and make a solemn vow not to do that again because in the end I do have a tendancy to replay the day and realize that it was not an appropriate topic for that setting, Tonight I was annoyed with the girls.  Tonight I belieive that they crossed that invisible line into a disrespectful interuption.  They should not have been allowed to have that laptop on using it the way they were.  It was not something that needed to be done.  

I'm not perfect.  I don't claim to be perfect.  I joke when in the presence of friends and family that I'm as close to perfect as one can get but of course it's mearly a joke.  I am human.  I make mistakes.  I say stupid things that shouldn't be said.  I make innapropriate comments in setting that these types of comments should not be spoken in.   This is what makes me human.  I also know enough to not do these things more than once.  I know that I'm percieved as a teachers pet.  I'm blunt and to the point.  I have a no holds barred type of personality.  I communicate the truth.  I try to learn everything I can about a subject.  I have a thirst for knowledge.  I start assignments the day they are given and always give it 200% effort.  I work hard on projects and have been known to read text books ahead because I get bored.  I plan ahead and do homework ahead so that if something happens (such as an illness, my son gets hurt or sick, I have an emergency where I can't make it to class)  I won't fall too far behind.  I'm the classic type A personality and over-achiever.  I always have been.  I'm not happy unless I know that I've given projects and assigmments my all.  I won't hand something in unless I feel it s absolutely 120% worthy of being passed in.  I hold myself to high standards always trying to prove that I can do and be better.  This is a trait I get from both parents.  My father thirsts for knowledge and my mother always makes sure she does the best damn job she can do before finishing.  Together this can be a deadly and exauhsting combination.  

So tonight when these 3 young women were sitting there goofing off on a laptop I got a little angry.  Yes, at times they were giving the correct answers but they were also interupting the lesson too.  I'm alsmost certain Mr. Fucci saw the expression on my face and I'm sure he heard me huff and gafaw under my breath.  I want to learn.  I might not always say anything in class.  I'm an observer.  I like to take things in.  Sometimes I do speak but for the most part I take everything in with all my senses.  Tonight I found it extra difficult to concentrate cuz in my mind I was fuming.  Thinking about how I wanted to handle the situation.  I would have asked them to either use the laptop to take notes or simply put it away.  I would have made these three young women an example.  Held them accountable.  But then again this could be because in my mind I was chucking that lap out the window and hearing it crash and smash into a million little peices on the sidewalk below.  I had a lot of trouble paying attention with the commotion going on.  Google earth?? Seriously??  This was absolutely not an appropriate thing to be doing in a classroom setting where a lesson was being taught.  Looking up the teachers house via Google Earth as he was attempting to teach a lesson is not something I would deem as acceptable.  I am pretty sure that Mr. Fucci heard my sigh and gafaw of shock as he willingly gave up his address to them.  Which I'm almost certain he gave up simply to shut them up so he could continue on with the lesson.  But either way he shouldn't have had to give it up for any reason because this situation should never have happened.  To me that was abolsutely none of their business.  I never meant to gafaw and look as irritated as I know I must have looked but it just kind of happens sometimes. I suck at hiding what I'm thinking/feeling and my face shows everything that I think/feel.  I was a lousy journalist. 

Ok well now that I have given all my readers the jist of my annoyance I'm going to go grab a bite to eat cuz my tummy is talking rather loudly.  Once again I want to thank all of you who actually read this and send out a virtual **hug** in return for you actually making it through another random, annoyed, long-ass blog.  :-)

Stepping down off my soapbox, placing it back up on the shelf, closing my closet door and heading out of here for the night.

Til next time!!  

MLW

Being Proud of my accomplishments.

So, I'm sitting here on the verge of tears.  I'm absolutely refusing to let the tears flow though.  The tears are a combination of semi-hurt and angry tears that want to flow.  I'm upset because of something a so called friend posted on my Facebook wall in response to one of my comments. 

Here's the original post that I placed on my wall:

"Funny that I keep recieving info on the class of '00 reunion nxt yr when I have technically been outta hs 10yrs this year. I was a FT college freshman @LSC what shoulda been my senior yr. of hs. I've already hit the 10yr mark. I had just finished my 2nd sem. of college w/24 college credits under my belt when the class of '00 was walking the stage. 2 funny that I'm still considered part of the class of '00."

I didn't mean anything by it at all.  But this person who I have known for at least 20 years took offense.  I didn't mean for anyone to take offense.  I was just stating something that I personally think is kind of funny.  I never even thought that I'd be able to go to college.  I don't come from money.  I was sad and depresed through most of middle school and high school, at least 150 pounds over-weight, had horrible acne on my face, shoulders, back and chest, and my hair was kinda greasy.  I was a twitching freak due to having Tourette Syndome.  I knew I wasn't attractive and I knew popularity wasn 't in the cards.  I hated high school.  I was raised by a single mother who spent her life raising me and my baby brother on a factory workers salary.  Which didn't even hit the $25,000 mark.  I lived in a trailer park and shopped for clothes at the second hand stores or on the Wal-mart clearance racks.  None of this ever really bothered me.  The not having money was kind of a pain in the butt, but I think I turned out really well because of how hard I had to work.  Unlike this friend who came from money and a big family and had the advantages of traveling the world and seeing different things I had to work hard for what I wanted.  Nothing came easy.  I'm not saying that she had it easy either.  She really wasn't part of the popular crowd.  She had it just as tough as me for the opposite reasons.  While I got looked down upon for not having money...she got looked down upon at times for coming from money.   She wasn't exactly rich or a millionaire but her family wasn't hurting either.  I always kind of felt a sort of bond with her because we were made fun of.  For me getting out of high school early was a really proud moment.  Life was difficult but everything made me who I am today.   I got a job as soon as I turned 16 cleaning for a local motel during the summers and worked at Ames Department Store as a cashier over the holidays to make a little extra money.  I knew that the extravagent field trips that the private school I went to (all we have in my hometown is a private school and the state pays the townies tuition)  were out of the question.  I knew I would never go to a prom and date like the others in my class cuz it was too expensive, but I had faith that someday I could turn things around.  I wanted to go to college and get a career and be different than the rest of my family who had all just settled and given up on their dreams.  I knew it would take a lot of hard work to get their.  I honestly thought that if I got into community college part time I would be lucky.  

So, when I was given the opportunity to leave high school a year ealry and go to a real college, a state college in the next town over but a college none-the-less,   I was thrilled, ecstatic and very, very happy.  I had to work and live at home cuz it was still expensive but I was actually in college.  17 years old and what should have been my senior year of high school I was a full time college student surviving the classes and doing rather well.  I loved it!!  For some strange reason I fit in college better than I ever had in high school.  I gained self-confidence and starting losing weight and even started making friends with new people from out of state.  I didn't regret leaving high school early and I never felt as though I was missing out on anything by leaving my class a year early.  I always made relatively good grades but wasn't the smartest person in school.  This friend was always a lot smarter than me, she was athletic and musically talented as well.  I'll admit that at times I was jealous of her.   I was about average at what I could do in acting, music and even now don't see myself as anything really special.  To a certain degree I feel kind of honored that the Academy still has me on their list for the class of 2000. Getting to leave early gave me the confidence I needed to keep pushing forward.  I managed to get all my gen ed's taken care of in 2 years at LSC and transfered to an out of state school where I continued to do well. 

I'm trying really hard to not take offense to this girls comment cuz I know she's stressed right now.  She has a lot on her plate at the moment.  Her husband left for his deployment oversea's this morning and she's being forced to move into their new home without him their and she's probably pretty worried about her husband of course and starting to feel lonely so I can understand that maybe her mindset is on the defensive right now but I also don't think that she had any right to say what she said.  I may not always agree with her views on politics, religion, and other hot topics but I would also never leave a comment on a public site where anyone can see it with my views on a comment.  She has said a few things on her wall posts that I could easily have lashed out at her for, but I also know that she has the right to her opinions and to share her happiness and proud moments with whomever she wishes.  If she wants to brag about her new house, her happiness with her husband, her trip to Scotland or whereever and at times rub it in to her friends how wonderful her life is then thats her right.  I believe in the freedom of speech and that people have the right to express themselves and their opinions freely as well as something that to them might be a little funny or even exciting in a way that they see fit.  But I don't believe in leaving something rude or crude on another's profile that makes them feel small.  I could make snide comments if I'm having an off day and take something out of context but I would prefer to present myself with a little class and decorum.  I try to put myself in their shoes and before I hit the 'share' button to leave a comment re-read what I wrote to see if the way I phrased it could potentially hurt someone's feelings.  There have been many times where I have simply sputtered to myself in front of my computern screen after reading one of my friends comments that I took offense to or made me angry instead of posting a comment.  I was brought up to not say anything at all if I have nothing nice to say.  It's better to just let it go than say something that I might regret later.  

I never meant to appear as though I thought I was better than anyone.  I know I'm certainly not better than anyone.  I've accomplished some wonderful things that I'm very proud of but I also know that there are people out there (a lot of whom are on my friends list) that are far better people than me.  After this blog is posted I'm going to let go of the hurt I felt when she left the rude comment.  This blog is my way of letting go of the feelings for this topic before they get trapped in my head with no outlet and turn me into a pessimistic, angry and bitter person.  I'm an optimist.  I believe that everything truly does happen for a reason and that everything turns out the way it's supposed to.  Sometimes you just have to be a little bit patient and wait.  I'll also be able to forgive her and move on as friends if all feelings are out in the open.  

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to ramble.  And...thanks for reading this if you did.  :)  **hugs** to you!!

Life....Goes....On......and couple more annoying subjects too!

Well, alrighty then!!  Here goes another long-ass ramble courtesy of Me!!!  

Tonight's first subject...life goes on!!!  What this means to most people is that no matter what happens be it good or bad, happy or sad, up or down, no matter what the situation happens to be at that very moment in a person's life ya gotta pick yourself back up off the ground, suck it up and move on!  What do these 3 very simple words mean to me is about the same but a little more personal.  

Here goes...my own definition.  I have learned that no matter what happens in my life, no matter how badly I get hurt or how sick I feel my life is going to keep rolling along.  As much as I would just love to stay under the covers and feel sorry for myself some days...I don't have this option.  I also know that even if I did end up staying under the covers of my big, soft, cozy and warm bed and cry away the day into a box of tissues that will get balled up and crammed under my pillow it's not gonna change the situation and stop the world from turning.  My life is still going to have to be faced at some point and the problem or illness will have to be dealt with.  So, my motto is suck it up and deal with it immediately!!  Move on with life!!!  Life Goes On!!!!  You might be asking yourself "Why is this chick blogging about this?"  Well, it's kind of because I have a few things that need to come out of my head and tonight's the night because of something that my Intro to Business teacher said.  Sadly, what he said tonight fits my situation and the thoughts I have been thinking lately.  Some of which have to do with my feelings about my life in general. 

Let's start officially!  I was sitting in class tonight trying desperately to focus on the lesson Mr. Fucci was teaching.  I have been battling migraines again for the last few weeks and the last couple of days they have finally gotten to the point where it feels as though my brain is trying to push it's way out of my skull through my eye sockets w/out moving my eyes first.  In other words I was in an immense amount of pain while sitting in class.  Now, I do have medication I can take if needed but in order to make it through the class I couldn't take it.  It makes me loopy, groggy and as intolerable as the pain from the migraine can be at least I can remain awake.  Last night I didn't go to my other class because I was unable to move from being in so much pain.  Tonight, however, I made the choice to suck it up and go to class.  I'm glad I did.  It was a lesson worth attending.  I sat through the class suffering with the God awful pain and throbbing that was going on within my skull.  One of the things that Mr. Fucci told us was that he got his MBA while working full time, paying bills, keeping a marriage alive and helping to raise 3 kids.  It made me feel all the better about my choice to suck it up and go to class.  I'm a single mom, not a lot of family help, my son;s father has chosen not to be a part of his life so I very rarely get breaks, and I work as well, while paying my own bills, grocery shopping, etc.  I can relate to my teacher.  I knew exactly what he was talking about.  In the end I'm going to appreciate the decision I made to go to class.  Not only will I be able to look back and be proud of my accomplishments but someday Cammie, my son, will know that regardless of what kind of curve balls life tosses at him, that he can achieve anything he sets his mind to by a little hard work and sticking with things.  In the end the Life Goes On lesson is good lesson to teach.  

There's more to the Life goes On part of this though.  I really started thinking about this lesson a few nights ago.  I've been watching the world pair up around me and what tossed me over the emotionally lonely edge was the news that a guy I once liked, someone I happen to still be friends with, is now in a relationship.  It bothered me enough that I went to bed that night and just started to cry into my pillow.  Sobbing these enormous sobs.  I was hurt.  For some reason I was hurt.  Don't ask me why.  At that moment I couldn't even make sense of it.  It was irrational and illogical that I would be hurt by this news.  I don't have any feeling left for him.  We never would have worked.  He and I are at totally different places in our lives.  He is still very much a child and wants to do childish things and act as though he is still in the beginning years of college.  He has habits that could be considered lazy and completely annoying to me and our personalities are totally opposite.  I reached into the inner depths of myself as I was thinking these thoughts and sobbing into my pillow to figure out if I did still have feelings for him.  Did I??  The answer was no.  Obviously.  I somehow went from crying to laughing.  Why the hell did it bother me so much that my friend was happy??  It had nothing to do with him and his happiness.  I was/am very happy for him. We might not have worked as anything other than friends, but I was thrilled that he found someone to care for and someone to care for him in the ways that he deserves..  We got together one weekend back in August to hang out and see of there was anything there and while I had feeling for him...he didn't have any for me after months and months of flirting...he felt nada...I got hurt and once again here was a Life Goes On lesson I learned again.  I did/do still have him in my life as a very wonderful friend.  So, knowing all of this why did it initially bother me??  Jealousy!  Plain and simple jealousy!!  nothing more.  I was being selfish and jealous!!  I was feeling lonely and I realized that one more person who I care about was officially paired up and I stupidly got upset.  The next day I woke up and reminded myself that he deserved happiness and that someday I would find someone wonderful too.  Someday I would find someone to love me and care for me the way I know I deserve to be loved and I'll do the same for that person too.  So, I made the choice to suck it up, get outta bed and move on.  After all...Life Goes On!!!!  These are the 2 big reasons that initially prompted this blog!!

I think for the moment I'm going to end this blog!  I will blog the other annoying subjects later once I have eaten something.

Thanks for reading!!!!

Til next time!!  :-[)